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Posts by scrunchy10

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Forum Topic Date Replies
Health & Support Should I Be Weighing Myself?! Nov 23 2011
13:03 (UTC)

Don't weigh yourself. Period. It's a door that needs to be kept shut as it too easily becomes obsessive.

But you are right, it is a long way off till your next weigh in. So maybe get someone you trust to blind weigh you once a week or fortnight to make sure you're not losing weight. The numbers aren't themselves important, but you need to be sure you're still making progress and not using this time to pretend to yourself that your making progress whilst you ED is just running amock. You don't need to know how much you gain or what your weight is (plus using different scales will give different readings from the ones you get with your team so figures won't be an accurate representation of your progress), just that you are gaining. And if not, you know you need to eat more.



Health & Support Calories and Thanksgiving..advice needed. Nov 23 2011
12:55 (UTC)

My advice might sound a little counterintuitive, but it's my plan for christmas so hopefully it'll work.

Firstly - don't restrict or exercise at all. You do not need to earn it in anyway. No one else will be,

Secondly - follow the cues of others. If everyone is eating, then it's ok for you too as well, but (especially if you have difficulties recognising hunger signals) don't set yourself up for excess guilt by going feast or famine. You have to eat but you don't have to eat everything. Eating too little will only make you sad and irritable, but eating to the point of serious discomfort before dinner will make you way to anxious to enjoy it and make eating more difficult. Following other people's cues may be best if you can't follow your own yet.

Thirdly - If there are some components of the meal you are particularly worried about - feel ok about not eating them. Don't decide not to right now, but see how you feel in the moment and don't force yourself to have a rubbish time. For instance, I really stuggle with potatoes. If Christmas comes and I still can't bring myself to eat potatoes, it'll be rubbish, but forcing myself to the point in which I end up seriously distressed will be worse. Festive meals can be really frightening in and of themselves and are a huge challenge to EDs. Don't say "everything is too hard" but if there are one or two items that you know will be too stressful, feel ok about maybe not having them.

Fourthly - Don't make or let others make anything special for you. You don't have to eat it all, or you can ask for seconds, but don't let your ED dictate alternatives that you can be allowed. Have them same meat and veg and desserts as everyone else. You are allowed them and you do not need alternatives. They are normal foods and hiding from them will only prolong the feeling that they are something to fear. Special arrangements will only make you feel like you gave in to ED.

Basically, festive days are a massive challenge and are really scary. However, although food and joining in are important - they are not everything. You also want to enjoy your day by not making it too traumatic. So push yourself, but don't make it hard on you and your family by pushing so much you end up freaking out and unable to cope.

It'll be fine as long as you don't let ED dictate everything. These sorts of days are primarily about family, not food. Don't let ED ruin your day by ficating on one aspect of it. Don't plan ahead, just do what you are comforable with and if that's too difficult, just follow others. Food is social and brings people together. Try not to let your ED seperate you from the people you love x.

Health & Support "Hey lets restrict to prepare for Thanksgiving eating!" Nov 23 2011
12:34 (UTC)

It amazes me how little the world in general knows about nutrition, metabolisms and weight control. People are idiots. I kinda think everyone in the world should have a dietician because seriously, mine has taught me so much. In the past I've taken seasonal diet advice way to seriously, but now I realise just how dumb it is.

I don't think they have any consideration for how this makes people with EDs feel, but why should they? We are not the majority and thus are not the biggest market. It's all marketing gimmicks and ploys to get you to buy certain products by feeding you guilt that what you want to do is somehow wrong and you have to earn it. This guilt fuels self-esteem and body issues. It's just nasty and both creates and feeds off insecurities.

No one has to earn a nice celebration day. No one - regardless of size - has to feel guilty for eating more than they need every once in a while. No one should ever be told that getting involved in happy, festive traditions is something to be ashamed of. It makes me so so angry. Grr.

The diet industry is full of twats x.


Health & Support I break my heart Nov 21 2011
10:45 (UTC)

You can have an ED at any weight, but as your post doesn't give any behavioural examples, it's impossible to tell.

What is worrying is that you are linking your depressive symptoms to your body size. This tendancy often leads to an ED - ignoring the things that make you feel 'inadequate' in the first place and focusing on controlling your body. It's a displacement activity which can have disastorous consequences. So although you made not be engaging in ED behaviours (or maybe you are), this is something you need to deal with before it goes to far and you become trapped in an illness.

My suggestion would be going to your GP, thinking about medications if you want them and also trying to get a course of CBT to help you disentangle your body from the other feelings surrounding it. Your size cannot effect change in your personality or give you the qualities you desire, it only allows you to run from what you find difficult. You need to address the causes and the thought processes that got you here and try to rectify them. It is possible, but it is hard work.

Hope that helps


Health & Support cannot believe this :( Nov 21 2011
10:37 (UTC)

double post

Health & Support cannot believe this :( Nov 21 2011
10:37 (UTC)
Original Post by browny89:

i know it probably is but the thing is is that i used to love that i never had to be so thin to work, i was curvier and ate whatever i wanted but i worked well and loved that i set a good example to young girls. i never wanted to become what i was a few months ago. i never meant for it to happen i wanted to set such a helthy example that being so thin is not good being healthy is! it just hurt me. and i'm a really gentle person. i hate to think that people see me as an anorexic model that is not the examply i want to give to people and infact makes me more eager to make sure i get my curves back and this person can eat her words. :) what a day! exhausted. xxx

This is entirely right. I just thought you should know that this whole thing means you already are an example for others. This shows so muh strength. You are so much more that you're ED and this prick wants you to believe you are. It actually made me very sad that they upset you, but look at you all bouncing back.

I hope you are doing ok. Chocolate Sunday sounds AMAZING! x.

Health & Support cannot believe this :( Nov 20 2011
21:11 (UTC)

Sometimes I just don't understand why some people even exist. This is so unbelievably low behaviour. I know hurtful, spiteful people are hard to ignore, but that's why they do it. They want a reaction so that they can look big and clever. It's really not even about you - it's about them shouting at the top of their lungs "I'm HERE! LISTEN TO ME! I CAN SAY THINGS" because in reality, they have nothing of any use to say to anyone. Attention seeking pricks. This has made me very angry. I second beth - go punch them in the face. Maybe not though because that might make you feel bad and chances are someone will do it eventually.

You are better than this though. You are proving how strong you are, how much you have to give, your bravery and your determination through recovery. I can't give you advice on how not to let it get to you - you shouldn't let it, but I really struggle with this sort of thing and constantly think everyone thinks I'm rubbish.

However, as I have said before - be thankful. This person is an nasty idiot. Every single day for the rest of their life they will wake up being a nasty idiot. They might not even know they are because they are just such idiots they can't see it, but other people will know. They will have to change or will end up being hated on. Be thankful you do not have this burden. You can wake up everyday feeling proud that you are getting your life back.


Health & Support Bruising? Nov 19 2011
12:04 (UTC)

I have a nutritional deficiencis checklist from my dietician. Under the "skin" section it says...

Physical signs - dry 'sandpaper-like' texture, lack of fat under the skin, spots, buising/discolouration, pallor, scally, itchy.

Nutrient deficiany - vit. 1, protein - enegry, vit C, vit. K, vit. B12, folic acid, iron

I don't really know what ones contribute to bruising other than vit. C though so I can't be more specific.

Hope that helps x.

Health & Support No Counting By Christmas! Nov 17 2011
12:15 (UTC)

I went out for dinner! I didn't make adventurous choices (roasted vegetable salad with haritcot beans and 2 slices of bread, follwed by granola, yogurt and fruit parfait) but I didn't meausre the portions, I didn't prepare it, it was covered in oil and dressing and I didn't freak out.


Well done annabel! I still have not got the  courage for chinese. Takeaway is my number 1 fear. So proud for you x.

Health & Support Freaking out. Nov 16 2011
12:20 (UTC)

Your doctor will tell you to eat more and gain weight because you know you have to and he'll know you have to aswell. He cannot force you to eat if you remain OP, but you have to force yourself to. Honestly, your body right now is critically malnourished which can be life threatening. Gaining weight is terrifying I know, but you are still on a weight loss diet and need to up it right now so that your body can start the work of physical recovery so that your life doesn't hang in the balance. Yes it is terrifying, but weight gain is really your only option for survival. Upping you calories by 200 every 3 days or so until you reach 2500 (3000 if you are a teen) is crucial. Honestly.

Look at your post. There's a lot of conflicting emotions in it, but it is clear to see which thoughts are symptoms of an illness and which thoughts are yours. See the illness for what it is - a set of symptoms you have to fight so that you can get well again, then you can achieve the things you really want. If a therapist will be helpful, get one. Honestly, my therapist is so crucial to my recovery right now. Seriously, it's completely worth it. But remember, therapy isn't going to solve the eating disorder as whilst malnourished, your cognitive ability is impaired to an extent where you cannot be recovered mentally without weight restoration. So get therapy, but start addressing the behavours now. When I was in your situation, the best thing for me was to start increasing my calories by bulking out safe foods a little bit and eating regularly. Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with 3 snacks at regular intervals and stick to safe foods for a little while. Then, as your intake increases, switch to higher calorie versions of these foods. Slowly but surely, increase your variety and you'll get to a meal plan that is good for weight gain without freaking yourself out too much. Doesn't work for everyone, but it did work for me.

Plus seriously, Christmas is a godsend for those of us needing to gain weight. Everyone will be eating a lot, not just you, and the weight gain is seriously good for your health. Do not worry about the holidays. It might be rubbish for your ED, but it will be exactly what your body needs. You can get to a place where christmas won't be too hard, but you have to start working on recovery now.

Health & Support My Recovery Playlist Nov 16 2011
12:07 (UTC)
Original Post by tigal:

Something good can work- Two Door Cinema Club This is a really good choice btw. I was entirely going to put it until I saw you did. Well done on your music taste x.

Health & Support . Nov 16 2011
11:55 (UTC)

You are letting no one down. Recovery is incredibly tough and unpredictable. You're feelings are not abnormal in any way and pushing through them can be tough. But it was always going to be hard, so you just have to work through it. No one is let down - everyone's reactions to recovery are different and emerge at different stages.

First, lets start with medications. Anti-depressants are a fully personal choice. For a lot of people, the lack of serotonin in the brain makes them depressed and SSRIs can medically fix this. They do not fix the underlying difficultites, but they put you in a position to help you deal with them if you don't just ignore them. Therefore, there are great postives to anti-depressants for a lot of people. But not everyone and it most certainly isn't universal. In bioloigcal terms, some people suffer from depression linked with acute anxiety caused by too much serotonin in the brain, thus SSRIs can make this a lot worse - it can make the depression stronger, induce mania and can make it a lot harder. One of the effects of anorexia is that it suppresses serotonin production and therefore it is relatively common for eating disorder sufferers with depression to suffer from too much serotonin (though still more common to have less). There are different types of anti-depressants that work in this scenario though. Also, if you are feeling suicidal, anti-depressants are a risk as they can enhance these urges and often lead to greater damage being caused (it even says this on the side-effects). I'm not anti-medication, I just think all sides should be put here. I have taken SSRIs before and did not find them helpful - they let me function for a while (I was literally crying and in bed all day for weeks) but only masked the problem and when I came off them, I fell straight into anorexia. The can also have negative effects on positive emotions, which isn't fun. Me and anti-depressants didn't get on. I wasn't happier, I just didn't care. I still engaged in very destructive behaviours and thought processes, but could go to uni. But this is just me - not everyone. Everyone is different and reacts differently to the same medications. Some people really do well with anti-depressants, some people don't (like with any drug), but I don't think it should be portrayed as a quick fix cure to get you out of this slump. It might be, but it might not.

Next - Therapists. Depending on your situation, therapists are more of less easy to get to. However, they are not the only help you can get from the NHS, and you can also get counselling through college or various charities which can tide you over for a while if the waiting list is too long. Go to your gp, be honest with them and be explicit and push for what you need, then take all other avenues avaliable as well. If you are suffering from suicidal urges or self-injury this is even more crucial. People in this situation are often offered community psychiatric nurses. They come and visit you, give you someone to check on your health (especially good if you are restriciting and losing weight) and are a general liason with other medical proffessionals so that if your condition worsens, the right provisions are made sooner rather than later. It is crucial that health care professionals are monitering your state. Seriously. If all you can get is fortnightly checkups with your gp it's better than nothing.

You don't have focus because you are medically, biologically and psychologically sick. This is a symptom of anorexia and depression, both of which you are still in the throws of. You can work on this now and try to find things you enjoy, or even only things to distract you. Recently, I colour-in and make crafts and play with playdoh - it doesn't make me happier, but it distracts from the depression for a little while and can be used to distract from self-destructive coping mechanisms. Because that is what anorexia is in this scenario  - a self destructive coping mechanism that makes things worse, not better. It doesn't solve the problem, only hides it. You can only find true focus and passion once you are well again and don't have these symptoms, but to get to that point you have to sit through them and deal with them, or else this will just stay with you.

Right now weight. 18.5 may be in the 'healthy' range, and may be your bodies set point, but you know as well as that there is no negotiating with mental illness. Anorexia isn't a negotiation where you can make deals and be half in it, half out. It's all or nothing and if you let it in now through listening to thoughts which are symptomatic of anorexia as an illness, not you, you will find it so much harder to break out of. You do not have to stay this weight forever if it is not your set point, but restricting to get down to it again is not an option right now as you are not fully mentally recovered. Maintain where you are for a while - at least 6 months - so that your brain and body can become entirely physically recovered as it takes at least this long to undo all the physical and congnitive damage caused and restricting now will only stunt the progress you've made. Once you are in a better place mentally, start intuitive eating and see where you end up. Honestly, you don't know whether you'll like your body at this weight or not as you haven't let it settle. You're not used to it. Weight is not permanant and restriction will always be an option but is a life of chronic anorexia really the option you want? Especially now you've come so far. Who knows how long it will be till you can claw your way out of it again. If in a few years time nothing has improved then see how you feel then, but give recovery a chance to work. You may be healing physically, but you need to have time to mentally heal as well. And if you're throwing food away and wanting to lose weight, then your still suffering from anorexia, regardless of weight. You are not recovered yet, so keep working until you are. So no, don't go back to 18.5.

And if you let me know your address I swear I will post you peanut butter everyweek till you get sick of it and cave into eating it again. You know as well as I do it's too good to not eat!

Stay safe. Message me if you need x.

Health & Support My Recovery Playlist Nov 14 2011
17:53 (UTC)

Emmy the great - paper forest


Health & Support No Counting By Christmas! Nov 14 2011
17:50 (UTC)

I am so on this. Christmas is a massive trigger for me. Progressively over 3 years I have got iller at christmas. Last christmas was the worse - I cut my calories back even further 3 weeks in advance just to be sure I wouldn't have a net gain over christmas, and exercised every day for 3 hours. Then on christmas I ate whatever I wanted, but had to do the same again afterwards just to be sure. I told myself it'd just be for a while. Every year the effort to not gain weight at christmas becomes the new standard life and every year I get stricter again. Ergh.

So I'm with you on this no counting by christmas. I want a happy healthy eat all I want and no restriction christmas this year. I'm going to start doing your tasks.

I've set myself other tasks too. Like this week I am not going to weigh fruit. If it's one fruit then that's a portion, if it's berries I can eyeball it and it comes in a box so I'll know when I can accurately guestimate. Then hopefully in a week it'll be vegetables. Then in a week spreads. These things have negliable calories or are easy to estimate anyway so hopefully won't cause me any problems.

I desperately don't want to have to earn christmas through restriction this year. I want to earn it through recovery!


Health & Support . Nov 14 2011
17:00 (UTC)

I cannot reply to this now but I will I promise. Quickly though, if you start going back you will lose control and you will end up losing more weight. You cannot control you ED if you let it in again, it will control you.

Keep working at getting better. See your gp. It is hard and horrible but giving up wont solve a thing. Plus you haven't really given it a go yet. Keep your weight up for a few years, see how you settle. You chose to recover for a reason, so give it a chance before you chose to relapse. You know the dangers of anorexia so why not test being healthy before deciding its better to be dangerous.

Stay safe x.

edit: now I have time. As I said in my message, eating disorders only hide the problem, they don't solve it. You can only solve the problems with a stable brain, which you don't have if you're starving. You need to see a therapist and work through these problems. Go and shout at your GP till they refer you to your secondary care trust for an assassment. The primary care trust in your area may be better than mine, but mine is awful. You need crisis phone numbers. If you want mine you can have it. And you need to eat enough and eat regularly. And you need to sleep enough if possible. Honestly, you do not have to manage this alone. I know depression is rubbish - I'm really suffering too with many of the same feelings and urges as you. What's really helping me right now is some exercises I have been doing that I picked up from here.

Basically, answer these questions

When I am well I am:

What do I need to do for myself everyday to keep myself as well as possible?

What do I need to do regularly to keep my overall sense of well being?

Then I wrote a list of behavioural, emotional and physical signs of anorexia so I could identify what are the symptoms and what are me.

Remember, you are not your illness. Wanting to restrict is a symptom of a medical illness which is not you and is not your fault. You do not want to be unhealthily underweight, but your illness does. You can beat it if you can beat these symptoms down, but it takes time and energy. Eating disorders have purposes, but they are not the only way to cope. You need to find healthy coping mechanisms, which you can and will do if you work at it and stay healthy,

Honestly, nothing is forever, you have not always felt like this and won't feel like this forever. You can get through it. Just be strong x.

Health & Support Semi-restricting during the day to eat loads at night! Nov 13 2011
21:46 (UTC)

My mp is set up like this (it's only for 2,500 though, so I'll put 3000kcal divisions in brackets). It's dietician friendly so it should be ok -

Breakfast - 450(600)kcals

Snack - 200(300)kcals

Lunch - 450kcals

Dessert - 150(200)kcals

Snack - 300kcals

Dinner - 500(600)kcals

Dessert - 200(250)kcals

Snack - 250(300)kcals

I know what you mean about main meals, I struggle loads too. But break it up a litte and makes sure you always have dessert because that can be snacky food too. My meals are actually quite small though so it's not that frightening. Hope this helps x.

Weight Gain Will it really be the key that helps??? Nov 12 2011
22:34 (UTC)

Admittedly, I don't always hit 2,500kcals a day. Sometimes it's a real struggle and sometimes my ED wins. But I should hit 2,500kcals a day and days off are not an option. There is no excuse to hold back in recovery. I know this, even though sometimes it all gets a bit much. But it shouldn't be negotiable.

I have gained a lot of weight in the past few months and you know what? It actually isn't all that different. Only my absolutely smallest jeans don't fit comfortably anymore, but more of my clothes fit better (granted most of my clothes are second hand so uk size 10-14). It really makes me see just how ridiculous my size was - I thought it wasn't to bad but growing into stupidly small clothes for me has been quite eye-opening. It really isn't that noticable. The big thing for me is my thighs, but I'm getting used to that now. Sometimes I hate my body, sometimes I don't. Obviously, my perception when I look in the mirror is hugely distorted, but I try and rationalise it - "I still fit my small clothes, yet most of my clothes are bigger so I still need to grow." "I know I am still underweight and that my target bmi is not big - most of the people I know have a bmi equal or higher than my target and they are not big" "my body might be bigger but it is starting to work again and that is more important than size". I don't like my body, but weight gain really isn't the end of the world. Plus the boy loves my newly found little belly and the shape on my thighs - I'm starting to look like a woman again, not a scary 12 year old boy.

You hit the nail on the head though with the "at least I am thin" comment. That is purely ED, not you. EDs are often coping mechanisms to distract from various stresses and upset in our lives. Being thin does not address the stuff that makes you down, it only means you can ignore it. Getting healthy will mean addressing the things you use your ED to ignore, learning new coping mechanisms for them and moving past them. It doesn't make anything better. It just hides the problem, but it's still there unsolved. You may well miss the numbing effects of an ED when things are hard, but I promise you that the happy emotions are worth the hard. Feeling is worth every second of it, good or bad, because the good is worth it.

Don't focus on what you do or don't know about what is making you feel ill right now. Focus on the fact that ED will make you feel worse and worse the longer it goes on and the longer you let it win. It will make your physical health worse and will make you more and more unhappy. If I had a cold and an ED, I wouldn't think "I need to get rid of the cold now, so the ED can wait".

Recovery is literally the hardest thing I have ever done and it is so unbelieveably scary, BUT I don't want to have this disorder forever, even if sometimes it seems easier now. I don't want this to ruin even more of my life. You need to get better so you can have a life too. Regaining yourself and your life is the reason to get better and the only way to do that is with weight restoration followed by a lot of psychological work x.

Weight Gain Will it really be the key that helps??? Nov 12 2011
21:55 (UTC)

I'm in recovery yes. I've been an outpatient in an EDU since june, but have started real recovery in august.

Coping with weight gain... Hmm... Sometimes I cope, sometimes I don't. Sometimes it's really hard and sometimes it makes me so happy. The only way I can try to deal with it is to not dwell on the numbers. Obviously the numbers are crucial if you are underweight, but in reality, they don't mean everything. I am more than that. Health is what matters - both mental and physical health. I will get that if I do my best to get to a healthy weight. The weight is important, but what's more important is the noticable changes in my personality, mood and ability to interact with people. They all get better with eating the right amount of calories for my body right now. I know weight gain is crucial, but it's not the aim - health and happiness are the aim. The numbers don't matter, what matters is you have a happy mind and a happy body, and if that means gaining - so be it.

My target bmi is 20.9+. It's exact, but it is a minimum. I haven't had my period in 3 years so have no idea when it'll turn up, but I think I was ok with my body at this weight and I think that I was a healthy size. If I don't get my period I will gain past this, but I will not maintain under this.

My advice is to keep pushing yourself and fighting. It can be really difficult and overwhelming, but ask for help when you need it and make sure to challenge your ED everyday and it'll come. Make sure you eat 2,500+ every day. And try to engage with people around you. It'll help you to see that the way ED makes your life is not the way it is for everyone and that they are probably healthier and happier than you are right now. It is possible to be like that too, but only if you work at it. If you can get help from any professionals too, that has really helped me, but it's not crucial and you can do it without this.

edit - feel free to message me if you have any questions or want any support. I'm here to help if you need


Health & Support Should I Worry About Sodium? Nov 12 2011
21:43 (UTC)

Honestly I don't think you should worry at all.

According to 2 seperate registered dieticians I've had, sodium causing excess water retention is a myth. Basically, you might retain water for like half a day, but your body sorts it out as quickly as possible and you pee most of it out. That is what you have kidneys for. Also, you should be having at least double that in a day so it's really fine. Literally, sodium is really a lot less of a problem than people think it is and it is essential to everyones diet.

Sodium has a bad press because of it's links with cardiovascular problems. However, sodium is only a problem for those who are at risk of or suffer from high blood pressure. In reality, we all need sodium and your body is pretty good at regulating sodium levels quickly and efficiently so having a 'high' sodium day every now and then will make no difference to your health or weight


Health & Support cannot cope Nov 12 2011
21:16 (UTC)

Firstly, use the support you have around you. You do not have to do this on your own. Get all the support and help you need. It is not something to feel bad about. People help because it is important to them to see you better.

Secondly, you are right though - people do have their own lives and can't always be there. You do need to be able to rely on yourself in moments when help is hard to get. There is no way to magically make this easy. Just try and remember who you are recovering for - yourself! I had major difficulties gaining independance in early recovery and it took me about 8 weeks to start trying to take things on for myself but now I am. I had to push myself and it was really difficult. But this is for you. It is your choice and your have to work for it.

You can do this on your own and keep recovering. I am still going even though my family have taken massive steps back - you can too. You just need to push yourself all the time, whether you are with people or alone. It is difficult and sometimes you might not always succeed but if you keep fighting for it you will. It can take time but you can only recovery if you want to get better for you.

Remember, people may well be supporting you, but no one can make you better whether they are there or not. The actions you make towards recovery are all yours already. You are already standing on your own two feet. Be proud and keep fighting.