Weight Loss
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People who make you feel bad and don't even know they're doing it.

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I was at dinner a couple nights ago at my fiance's parents house.  My future mother in law comments right after I finished my meal.  "Wow you ate alot."  That is the last thing you really want to hear when you are self concious about your weight. i have seen this women eat two plates full of dinner before but it does not matter cause she weighs 100 pounds.  It is obvious I gained some weight from when i first met her but I am by no means a big person. Seriously I would never comment on what anybody else ate.  She is so annoying.  I felt i really did not eat that much either.  I thought she was watching me eat through the whole meal and i was right since as soon as I was done she had to make a comment!  She is not a mean person but she needs to know when to keep her mouth shut.  Sorry for the rant.

Anyone else have experiences like this.

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People can be really insensitive.  Just consider it their problem and try your best not to let it bother you too much.  Like you said, they don't even realise they're doing it and aren't going to really give a thought to it at all, so why should you?

I'm really self-conscious about what others think of me and I realise that I get really easily upset.  I try to remind myself to not put so much thought in what others think.

Tell her it bothers you! I know you may be uncomfortable doing this, but you will spend a lot of time with her in the future, and if you don't make it known that you don't appreciate comments like that, she will keep making them.

I just blew it off at the time because I knew she did not realize how rude it was but it started eating at me.  I can't say anything to her or have my fiance say anything because she will cry if she knew she hurt my feelings. It just angers me when people feel the need to make comments like that because I never would.  It stems from my mom because she would always say stuff like that to me and not realize it is rude but I never have a problem saying something to my mom.

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i dont like that either... my inlaws love to comment about peoples weight.  we just had their famiily reunion and she actually said, thats the topic of choice after the event is over..who lost weight, who gained weight.  i know they dont realize just how sensitive i am about the whole subject..but i know im one of the ones in the weight gain category. 

even my own family, who knows how sensitive i am..makes comments about themselves or each other..like, boy, i need to lose weight, or how my sister has a belly..(shes had a kid!)  i try not to let it bother me too much though.  try being the operative word....

asians (as i am one), especially the older generation can be particularly harsh..they will just straight out to your face, say youve gained weight!  or how "healthy" you are looking..  ahhh..  i know they mean well and dont mean to be insulting or insensitive but jeesh.  :P

I hope this makes you feel better.....

Perhaps she meant that you ate a lot for you.  Perhaps she feels like you have a bird like appetite since you say she can eat two plates of food and not gain any weight.  Maybe she feels like her appetite is HUGE in comparison to yours and that is what she meant by the comment.

Feel better. She may not have meant it to sound like it did to you.  I know sometimes I say things that come out wrong myself.

I really think your fiance needs to say something, even if it will upset her. Better for her to hear it now, after one offense, than after years of it and a problemmatic relationship! Inlaw issues should be aired immediately, and by the immediate family member (unless he/she won't, in which case you, the daughter-in-law, should).

Comments of any type about another adult person's eating are ALWAYS inappropriate and a breach of etiquette. A good host/ess never makes any comment on what has or has not been eaten--ask Ms. Manners! Somehow parents/parents-in-law forget to see their adult children as ADULTS and continue to treat them as children. It is also inappropriate for anyone but a child's mother or father to comment on the child's eating habits.

Of course, those rules don't apply here because we are all soliciting comments by virtue of participating in a site dedicated to discussions about eating/weight loss, etc.

Edit: this was the topic in ms manners column today, July 2--a person was complaining about DIETERS who ruin a "celebration" with their "selfish" healthy eating.  Ms. Manners said that, just like in the case of  the more common comment, about others overeating, it is never right for anyone to comment on another's eating, period.

My mom (former ballerina, no lie) once told me a story about how she bought these  beaded pants and was chatting about them with a friend...

Friend: Wow, those pants are great! And they're not beaded in between  your legs which would be so annoying when your thighs rubbed together, like when wearing corderoy pants.

Mom relayed this comment to me, then said, "I have never thought about my thighs rubbing together, that's just not something I've ever experienced in my life!"

Needless to say, my thighs rub together (I've thrown away many a pair of jeans because they get ripped there and are beyond salvaging). This was YEARS ago, but I remember the conversation vividly. I also remember she was looking right at me when she said it and I wondered if it ever crossed her mind that maybe thigh-rubbing was something I HAD experienced...

I choose to look at it (not just this example, but whenever people make similar comments) like this: They're just not looking at you that way. If they're good friends/family and care about you, they're not looking at you as an overweight person, they're seeing their friend/sister/fioncee/daughter-in-law, and people who are close have less of a filter between what they think and what they say. I won't go so far as to say "you should take it as a compliment!" because I don't have what anyone would call a bubbly personality, but I will say that they probably aren't secretly counting up the calories in their head with each bite you take (and if they are, they seriously need a life).

And rant on! That's what we're here for! :)

Original Post by elizaannfred:

I just blew it off at the time because I knew she did not realize how rude it was but it started eating at me.  I can't say anything to her or have my fiance say anything because she will cry if she knew she hurt my feelings. It just angers me when people feel the need to make comments like that because I never would.  It stems from my mom because she would always say stuff like that to me and not realize it is rude but I never have a problem saying something to my mom.

See, you know that she's not trying to upset you so try and not take any offense as it'll make you feel better too.  People are people, some just lack more tact than others, you know?

And doug76, I definitely know how you feel.  I'm Asian as well and ADKSJ Asian people are just so much more blunt with such comments.  It's quite upsetting as I've always struggled with my weight and disordered eating as well ._.

Your interpretation is key and creates a reality that isn't necessarily the truth.  Next time throw a comment back - in this case you could have maybe replied with something like "yeah I didn't eat all day and this was just delicious" or "I so love this dinner I compensated in advance type of thing (whatever's appropriate) instead of immediately interpreting it in a certain (but not necessarily as intended) way.  The ball goes back into her court and her reply will probably show you that nothing mean was intended and it will all end there and then.

I wish I did that when somebody close to me said 'you won't lose weight' - but then that is a finite statement and not an insinuating one.  Yet I wish I did reply back with something like 'what makes you say that' - I am sure that it would have developed into a conversation proving that it was said carelessly without conviction rather then leaving me with that sentence that bugs me from time to time.

Wow I have to get in on this.....I think that she is trying to do the transference thing...what she is accusing you of; is exactly what she does. I work with someone like that. I had mentioned that another person (woman b) in our office lost weight, this woman (woman a) says;no she didn't because woman b adddicted to eating. Now at the time I was very upset about woman a's response to women b. I waited alittle while, like months and noticed that woman a can't control her unhealthy eating habits, she never says no to cake, always eats more than one peppermint patty, and anything else she can get her hands on. I have only seen her turn down something unhealthy once. So I say this to say your mom-in-law is the one who eats a lot....next time tell her you are simply trying to keep up with her.  

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my own mother does this kind of s***. Anytime I eat more than she thinks i should at a meal she says things like.."you're really going to have to pump up your workout" etc. Its only because she too struggles with weight loss, but you'd think that would make her more sympathetic. People are insensitive, they always will be. Just keep yourself focused on your healthy goals and to hell with jerks!

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I get this all the time, especially from co-workers who are larger than I. I just say yes I do have a big apetite. What they don't see is that by the time we are eating dinner, I have had maybe three or four hundred calories for the day, and I am STARVING! I don't give a damn what they think or say. Why yes I will have another plate of salad thank you, oh, by the way, did you see those new size 8 jeans I have on? Aren't they cute?

I just throw it right back at them. They can go suck eggs. If they can't be polite, then I am not going to let their BS sink my day or my diet. I am a bigger person than that. It used to bother me, but now it rolls off my back like yesterday's news. A good way to avoid this is not to discuss your weight (losses or gains) to begin with, ever, with anybody (except us of course). Unfortunately most of us have those weak moments with someone whom you may think you are close/friends with who turns out to be a saboteur.

Nowadays, people comment on how much I seem to enjoy food, (duh). "Gee Ma, I wish I could have the same pleasure from food you do. You seem so happy when you eat, and you don't seem to ever worry about the calories." Because I am freaking hungry! But, I made it from 170 to 140, and the only person I have to prove anything to is myself. So take charge sweetie! Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, nothing and no one can intimidate you unless you let them!

"next time tell her you are simply trying to keep up with her."


You beat me to the punch!  Laughing

Also let her comments drive you to do even more to loose....then see who is eating a lot!!! really big smile!!!

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