Hi, this is my first post here but I have been reading the
weight gain forum for a few weeks now trying to gain some motivation/ reassurance
or whatever else I need and decided it was time to ask for this myself.
So, just so you can “get to know me” and my “situation” im
going to give you a brief overview. So basically I’m a junior in high school
right now (16 year old girl). I have always been extremely athletic and have
always excelled in sports (In highschool I do soccer in the fall, ice hockey in
the winter, and track in the spring). During soccer season of last year (sophomore
year) I decided I wanted to start eating a little healthier to see if I could
increase my sports performance at all. My family has never eaten unhealthily.
We’ve always had good well balanced meals but were never “skimpy” on deserts or
other “junk food”- if we wanted it we would eat it with no regrets! But yea so
I started to just cut back on some of this “junk food”. At first I just limited
myself to one chocolate a night instead of two etc. (you guys are probably
thinking that if I had a lot of chocolate every night I wasn’t very healthy haha
but it “worked” for me and I never was overweight or anything like that at
all!). I wasn’t trying to loose weight at the time. I was (and still am) about
5ft 4in- 5ft 5in and was a healthy 115ish pounds. Most of this weight came from
muscle as well because I had always been extremely
muscular (especially in my shoulders.
I was always that girl that couldn’t buy the Hollister tiny shirts or anything
because my arms just didn’t fit!) and I loved that! Anyway, Im getting off
topic and making this too longs so Im going to cut this short.
Basically this “healthy eating” got out of hand. Slowly but
surely I cut more and more “unhealthy” foods out of my diet. Eventually I
started cutting down the size of my meals too (except for dinner because my mum
always cooks a full out huge dinner and there was really no way to avoid that).
What had started out as good intentions to just get a little bit healthier in
order to be better at sports soon turned into so much more. By the spring
(still of my sophomore year) I was starting to get consumed by what I ate and
how much I exercised. That summer I got really bad I guess. In August of 2011 I
had a normal doctors appointment and ended up getting sent to the hospital
because my weight was at 98 pounds (I really had no idea it had got this bad!)
and as a result my heart rate had dropped extremely low (lying down in was high
20s-low 30s…bad I know). So I remained in hospital for about 2 weeks (on
complete bed rest, not even allowed to get up to go to the bathroom) while they
put me on a meal plan and monitored my heart. When I was released I was about
105 and they wanted to keep me off of sports (and literally any form of
exercise) until I was at least 110. I continued to see a dietician to continue
with my meal plan and went for weekly checkups at the hospital for weightins
and blood pressure/ heart rate stuff.
&nb sp; Missing
soccer during this time was excruciating. Especially because I had started this
whole thing in an attempt to get better at sports and instead I had ruined
them. I finally was able to slowly get back to soccer in about late October. I
was still following a strict plan and monerting system then. As things seemed
to be steadly improving the doctors appointments became less and the meal plans
less vigerous. Basically, I began to slip back. Not intentially really. I don’t
know how it started. I just started “cheating” on my meal plan. I would pour my
drinks down the drain and throw my food away at school. I told my self to stop,
but after months of lying I couldn’t. This continued until about 4 weeks ago.
Untill this time my family and my doctors etc. could not understand why things
had suddently stopped improving because they all though I was on this like
5,000 calories meal plan when really I was probably only having about 2,000
after throwing stuff away behind their back. Finally about 4 weeks ago I
decided I had had enough lying and worked up the courage to tell my mum the
truth of what I had been doing even though I knew she would be disappointed beyond
&nb sp; My mum
was really supportive about it. She said when the right time comes in the
future we will talk about why I lied etc. but for now we just have to be
focused on getting me back on track. She was so incredibly pleased that I had
told her the truth because now the mystery of why I was not gaining had been “solved”.
So these past weeks I have been doing better,
but still not great. Im finding it incredibly hard to cope with eating about
3,500 a day again. I want to gain weight more then anything (I would be happier
if the scales said 120 instead of what it says right now- probably about 95
after my terrible terrible relapse) but for some reason I still continue to
worry. I count calories on everything even though I try not to. I am constantly
compairing my self to people around me and just think its unfair that I have to
eat so much more. I know I have to but I still feel “guilty” about it almost. I
really want to gain weight in my arms and legs expecially (and butt and boobs
as well) but am afraid to gain it in my stomach and I fear that this is what is
holding me back. I have always (pre ed and ed) had nice abs and have always got
comments on them and I fear that if I eat to much I will loose these and wont
get the comment/ attention anymore. I know it sounds bad but I think its true. I
tell myself everyday that Im not going to count calories or “worry” about what
im eating and that im just going to push past the uncomfortable feelings of
bloating etc (I think I think I feel more bloated then I actually do because of
my fear of loosing my abs), but then I get to a meal or snack, eat it, and then
am consumed with guilt. I hate it. I just want all of this to go away. I want
to just be able to eat “junk” food like a did befor and not think that I have
to “restrict” at a later time in the day because of it. I want to be able to go
out to eat and get a burger and fries and stuff myself and not feel guilty. I
know I should be able to do all these things now because I am gaining weight
but I just cant. Please please help with any motivation. I just want to get
past this! I want to become athletic again because right now I just look like an
anorexic runner and don’t look like I could play soccer or hockey at all. Please
please please help!!!!
I am sososo sorry for the long post
but I really just need motivation and assurance I guess. PLEASE!!
Second, grab a snack and listen up. I'm in the exact same position you are, so don't think you're alone! I have to gain 7 more pounds (I have gained 24) in order to run next years cross country season. Cross country is my life. The idea of my running kills me.
The idea of gaining weight is painful as well. I understand your anxiety and frustration! But eventually you have to decide what matters more to you. Choose; soccer or "dieting." which one sounds more fun? More rewarding?
The number of calories is terrifying, the idea of bloating horrendous...but eventually that will go away. The key is consistency! Just remind yourself SOCCER every time you want to pour an ensure down the drain. When I hate myself for eating, I remember just how much I love myself when I run.
Btw feel free to message me for more support along the way!:)
Hang in there in and remember that it takes many, many small steps to reach your goals. A great quote I heard from a movie that is coming out was, "your future is just a bunch of right nows strung together".
For me that means start right now with a good choice, then add another, and another.....and eventually you end up in the future where you wanted to go.
Is it easy....NO. Is it worth it....YES. If you are like me, you may even have a few bad chices strung through the journey as well. Don't beat yourself up about it. Learn from it, get over it, and keep moving forward.
I hope that helps. Blessings & peace, ~bob
I feel exactly like you do and it kind of helps to know I am not alone with this. So I hope to know that there´s someone out there struggling with the same problems also helps for you.