Hi everyone :-)
Ive been around cc for a while, pop in here and there and am super grateful for all the advice people give.
My question is... i have issues with compulsive exercise. Altho i feel bad calling it that, cos there are people who run miles and miles everyday and my vice isnt that bad. its just obsessive! basicaly, I walk... alot. i have managed to cut back, but i am still doing about 60mins of fastpaced (i mean people saying "ohmygod, look at that girl speedwalking") type of walking. i DO enjoy it, and cos its part of my daily life, getting to work and stuff, i dont feel too worried about it during the week. but half of me knows its ED driven cos even at the weekend, i feel like i HAVE to do it, but yet still dont eat enough to cover the burn. i cant enjoy a leisurely paced walk cos i feel like its not 'doing anything'. i also cant quite believe i need 1500 let alone 2500 cals per day. i have about 1000 a day at the mo and then i guess im burning about 300 from walking? (not including my job as a teacher...)
The second part of my compulsion is these pilates core strength exercises i do. ive cut back to doing every other day, stretches and planks/side planks and one 40min pilates core session i do in my room once a week (bicycle, 100's, reverse crunches etc...) i like the once a week pilates sesh, but im enjoying the every other day planks less and less cos they hurt my arms and i feel so weak (i am still very underweight) but i make myself do them cos i feel like if i dont, my stomach will go back to being jellified. (i was a typical pencil shape, skinny fat if you like...) i tried JUST doing the other stretches that are less stresful, but then i feel like im not doing enough.
GAH! part of me knows that abs are made in the kitchen and it wont make THAT much difference if i stop doing these all together, but then i think... yeah but i shud do them anyways, just in case. then im worried im doing too much walking and i shud just let my body figure out what it needs to gain some weight so that i can see that the world doesnt end if i eat. i dont NEED to exercise to earn food. but its so hard...
do i stop cold turkey? will it really make a difference? is it true what people say about diet being the main part of your weight. like 80% diet, 20% exercise or something??? i just need some reassurance (and possibly motivation!) to get myself gaining properly, i dont want this half-arsed recovery anymore... its not DOING anything and its not making me very happy :-(
Yesterday was ok (it is the morning here now!) but i had such a busy day than when i added up my intake for the day it STILL only came to just over 1100, then if i minus the walking....
i KNOW i need to eat more, but i just seem to find it so hard to change the routine, i know when i eat and i have stuff with me, i just dont have enough of the right things, the high cal things as opposed to my "safe" things.
I am pretty sure that i am going to do this OP programme which starts a week on monday, so i am hoping that that will give me a chance to really test my strength against this ED. i need to break out of my routines and try new things. so in a way, im kindof excited about it. i SO want to be rid of this!!!
how was your day? chicken breasts for lunch, YUM. i wish i had time to have a decent lunch, but its usually just whatever sandwich i grab at the shop. i made sure i had a bigger snack tho, i had half of a big clif carrot cake bar that i bought when i went to the US in the summer... id been saving it cos it was scary but it was so nice!!! other half for snakc today :-)
hey! sorry i did not reply, i have been so busy... i am trying to get everything sorted at work before i go into this day patient unit next week. (i have to miss a week of work) but i feel like it is a good thing. my health comes first.
im really scared, i hate the idea of all my routines being broken, but im excited too... i cant wait to have the pressure off me for a while. someone else to take control. its been a while since i let that happen!!!
how are you? have you faced any more challenges this week? :-)