Important Update: Calorie Count will be shutting down on March 15th. Please click here to read the announcement. Data export is available.
The Lounge
Moderators: spoiled_candy, nomoreexcuses, Mollybygolly, peaches0405

How do I ask my wife to lose weight?

Quote  |  Reply

My wife has great features and was very sexy when we married. As time went on, I started to gain weight so I countered by staying in shape. She didn't. She is not athletic and does not eat right. She won't swim anymore. Sex is a chore. She says she will decide when she is ready. That was 15 years ago. How do I help her?

29 Replies (last)

If it's not a big deal to her, but it is to you and you've done your part by living the standard you'd like her to attain and still she shows know interest, then you're s.o.l.

You need to determine if it's something you're willing to live with or not. If not, then you need to start exploring options.

You can't make people change, but you can decide if you'll be a party to their choice.

Well, she almost definatly already knows that she needs to lose weight, she probably feels bad about it too. Just tread carefully, maybe suggest active things that you both enjoy, and do them together

As a woman who can't stand things going on and or being said about her behind her back, i say you need to be completely up front and honest with her about how you are feeling. Yeah she will probably be hurt but the level of hurt will depend on how you say need to be abrupt! 

If she is unwilling to do something about it then as iggy said maybe you should start exploring other options if you feel strongly that you can't live with her choice.

Before your wife gained weight, did she do any sports or exercise to help keep thin? If she did, ask if she would like to start doing them again together. Maybe you could both work towards a goal, like running a 5k, 10k, marathon, etc.

Whatever you suggest, I strongly recommend that you do everything together, exercise-wise and eating-wise. It is very difficult for a wife to diet if her husband is eating a cheeseburger for dinner and ice cream for dessert and keeps his chips and beer around.

By loving kindness. If she is an emotional eater she knows that "sex is a chore" for you. What do you think that does to an emotional eater? She knows she does not measure down to expectations.

I suggest that you begin by finding activities to do together that are fun and involve a little walking - begin a pattern of regular fun outings with friends. Make them the norm rather than unexpected. Make sure the walking is not so much that it is difficult for her or she will not go. Pick things she likes that are not food centric - go to the antique mall, the book store, a museum, an arboretum, etc. Make friends with her again.

Otherwise, I suggest that you not say anything about her weight unless she initiates the conversation and then keep your answers positive and encouraging and not overly helpful or filled with advice other than suggesting CC.

If you fear for her health, tell her doctor and ask for his or her intervention if she is truly as overweight as you imply. Think about her instead of how disappointed you are.



Quote  |  Reply

This is a sensitive subject for a lot of women, so try to approach her in the nicest way possible.

I would cry if my boyfriend told me he wanted me to lose weight.

The 'you should lose weight' thing has got to be one of the most challanging issues to broach. Certainly one of the best ways to tackle this is to lead by example and hope that starts the ball rolling. Not to mention, be supportive and not sabatoge progress by doing avoidable things like leaving delicious bags of chips or carelessly opened containers of peanut filled MM's, just examples... I'm not at all talking from experience.

You've gotten some good advice from the above posters. Best to you both.

If it were me, I know I'd want it approached in a really supportive way....when you talk about it, put the emphasis on health as opposed to how she looks. You know, like saying you just want to be able to live a long and healthy life with her. Like others have said, maybe suggest things you can do together to get in shape and eat well around home (maybe you could go shopping together and encourage her to choose yum healthy things, I don't know who does the cooking in your home but if you don't, maybe you could offer to cook for a few nights and make some really nice healthy meals.)

Good luck to you!

When you say that your wife needs to lose weight at the same time that you say that sex is a chore, it leads me to suspect that there is more going on here than some extra mass.  Who is it a chore for, her or you?

How does she treat you otherwise?  Is she the kind of woman who pays attention to you and is considerate of your happiness?  Or is she a little more self-centered?

I ask because lots of times, excessive weight gain and refusal of sex are attitude problems and need to be addressed accordingly.

 I'd honestly want my husband to bring it to my attention. It's important to be honest with each other in a productive manner. It's all in ' how ' you say it. It's not so much what you say to a woman it's about the how. The best thing you can do is setup the conversation. By doing something that preps her to bring the conversation to you. It doesn't have to be in some mean way to get her talking to you. Example: Break out some old photos of you two happy. Or just her. Photos of ' the way ' it used to be when you were hot for each other.  Or: Just one of her. One of when you were hot for her. A photo of her back when a simple photo of her turned you on... One of a happier time in your relationship, ect. Not a wedding photo or something that's easily dismissed. A random photo. Put that photo in a frame on your nightstand. I promise you that will invoke a good conversation. It's a sweet gesture. Tell her it's becoming difficult to remember. . . If the conversation starts based on something else she'll be more inclined to listen. It won't seem like a full fledged attack on her weight. It will flow easier into an attack... Just kidding. It will just flow easier because she won't be on the defense with you. Talk about being younger. Talk about all she's done for your family. Children she's raised, ect. Time she's invested in supporting you in your life/work, ect. Talk about how important it is for you to take care of yourselves now. That way you have a long healthy future together. Tell her you're starting to worry about it now. That you need her to take care of herself because you want to spend the rest of your life with her... That you feel the need to start taking better care of yourself for her too. That you want the life you share to be a long healthy one. That you're afraid of losing each other. Of your time together being cut short,ect. Be sweet.

Best of Luck. :)

How do you ask your wife to lose weight?  VERY CAREFULLY!  Preferably when she doesn't have a sharp object in her hand.

I agree with peachysam, sit down and tell her that you want to spend the rest of your life with her.  Tell her that you are concerned about her health.  Tell her that you want to stay fit and ask her to join you.  Please be as kind as you possibly can and if she agrees, be her number one cheerleader. 

Remember, tread lightly and take small steps towards this lifestyle change.

how nice of you to be worried about her hubby just told me flat out " babe,you need to go work out you a** is getting huge!!! just like that. i didnt get mad at him or hurt,i knew i was at least 50 lbs overweight ,so i told him i would if he work out with me,and he did.we  have being working out together for 3 months now.and he looks really good,I'm more exited about his body then mine now,i have a hot husband .my motivation is his six pack!!i think i have one too,but its hiding under my layer of her helps a lot.always tell her she looks beautiful.

After 15 years marriage and three kids my wife was pear shaped..heavy thighs, hips and getting worse...we separated at 19 years...I swore I would only remarry if I find someone athletic...however I met a lady who is sedentary was 35 pounds over weight but Gawd I love her...and she loves me.

It took about 8 months and all of sudden she said okay she would do it...and she has been very much so it puts me to shame.  She was 154pounds in January and is now 129 aiming for 115lbs...I was 202 in Jan and am now 178 and heading for 167lbs.. my ideal BMI weight for an under 25 reading.

So that is what worked for as she does..and turn off the sex appeal..the as she does then let her lead the way out.

..if she will not do it after a year..then you maybe have to use more direct means...believe me I know what you mean...but the door swings both ways.  If she chooses to be unhealthy...she will be sick a lot in the future and you will be really pissed off then.

...and you are going to be stuck with a sickly woman when you are to old to change her.

Good luck


Quote  |  Reply

maybe just 'hun lets try and get healthy together'. 

Well all I can say is that some women sure can hold a grudge, especially if its over something that criticizes who they are or what they have become.  So if you go the up front and honest route with her, you might want to make sure you don't trigger anything that might merit that grudge.  I.E you tell your wife she needs to lose, but then you start to gain, or you tell your wife to start to eat right and you don't.

I am not judging you, your wife or your relationship, just throwing this thought on the table of considerations.

When discussing with her, I would emphasize potential health issues, and not bring up the sex part at all. In order to convince her, it will help tons to make her well-being the main focus, rather than yours. Good luck!

You don't ask her to lose weight.  That's her business.  She'll find her own way to fitness as you have.  This may be harsh, but how would you feel if she rejected you because you now have wrinkles and a double chin (which you do in your pictures)

Now go re-think what your marriage vows meant when you made them.  Was there any disclaimer in there saying "but if she gains weight all bets are off?" 


In an ideal world we would love our partners no matter what, but this isnt an ideal world and i think you should do whatever it takes to save your marriage if her weight is an isue. Before you do anything though really think about how this affects her.

Firstly, repeatedly telling her you dont like her size will not make her lose weight, if she already knows your feelings its pointless to keep reminding her because it will make her feel shameful and bad about herself, but by the sounds of things just knowing this hasnt made her change.

So here are a few things you can try...

1) Do a bit of research, find the facts about how her unhealthy lifestyle is affecting her in a damaging way. Choose a time to talk to her one on one, when she is relaxed in a quiet environment. Explain to how you feel but dont tell her she is fat, instead tell her how worried you are about the ill effects...Then dont mention it again,at least for a while.

2)Make her feel good about herself even if you dont think she looks good, give her compliments, if she has made an effort one day to look good then reconise it, and make an effort not to complain about your sex life! Once she starts to feel better about herself she will want to improve that image!

3)Learn to cook...If you dont agree with her eating habbits then learn to cook yourself, if she is a controlling person then perhaps offer to help her in the kitchen when you get a chance, and if she doesnt resist then then try to get more involved. Its worth noting that your not going to get her to change her diet overnight, but given time and pacience even the most stuborn eaters are able to change.

Try to look into why she is eating badly, it could be that she is eating comfort food because she feels bad about herself,she is too lazy to cook,she doesnt think healthy food can taste good,she hasnt time to cook etc...and try your best to do something about it.

4) Get her interested in Physical activity again, there are a few ways you can try...

If you can aford it treat her to a holiday that includes some kind of fun physical activity, but dont overdo it, it has to be something she will look forward to and enjoy! If money isnt a problem think something like a skiing holiday would be perfect or perhaps a cruise that involves ALOT of walking(think shoping),or renting a villa with a private pool to remind her what she is missing. Remember that alot of overweight people get self concious in front of strangers,this may well be why she wont go swimming anymore.

if you have the time and the money, dedicate a day each week to spend with her going out places, even if you would rather be doing something else. Try to do something she wants to do at first and once you have a routine start suggesting new places to go...which preferably involves exersize! Over time you may be able to sway her into liking and having a hobby that you can do together.

If she wont have any of that then you have to be creative,perhaps you can convice her friends or fammily to get her involved with them. If you know any of her friends well then have a chat with them,explain your worries and see if you can get them to help you improve her lifestyle. her friends will probably have alot more luck than you will!

With any luck you can get her to do something, be possitive with her rather than negative, compliment her on looking better and healthier, praise her for eating well etc.

It probably wont be easy fr you but everything takes time, and if its the only way to make you happy with your marriage then do whatever you can.

You can always just tell her since it's spring you'd like to get outside more... if she will go for walks with you... she will realized that it makes her feel better! :)

Original Post by lysistrata:

When you say that your wife needs to lose weight at the same time that you say that sex is a chore, it leads me to suspect that there is more going on here than some extra mass.  Who is it a chore for, her or you?

How does she treat you otherwise?  Is she the kind of woman who pays attention to you and is considerate of your happiness?  Or is she a little more self-centered?

I ask because lots of times, excessive weight gain and refusal of sex are attitude problems and need to be addressed accordingly.

 I have to agree with lysistrata, it all starts in the mind.

You're loving support will help but in the end she will need to come to her own epiphany about her body. There are little things you can do to help but there are alot of things you can do to hurt, tread very very carefully.

29 Replies (last)