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Post-breakup second guessing

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I am 20 years old and had been dating the same guy for 3 1/2 years. I went away to co-op in June, and things started to change(for me at least). I was haning out with new friends and not really missing my boyfriend at all. Calling him felt more like a chore then something I looked forward too. I thought maybe it was just because I was having so much fun with my new friends and constantly busy and that my feelings would change when he came to visit this week.

Well, he had been here for about 4 days and nothing was different. I enjoyed him being here more as a friend then a boyfriend. I didn't feel the same loving feelings I always used to feel. I talked to him about it and basically told him I needed a break from our relationship. He was devastated of course and left only to text me later telling me he never thought we would end and he wants everything to go back to normal.

Well now its the next day and I'm completely second guessing myself. I mean, this was the guys I thought I would marry. On one hand, I feel like maybe I made the wrong decision but on the other I feel like at 20 years old I should experience more things and not have basically one relationship my whole life. I'm trying to keep myself from crying at work and trying to keep busy to stop thinkign about it.

Has anyone recently gone through a break-up similar to this at all? I mean I've read other posts about break-ups but they all seem to have a more ligitimate reason for ending the relationship, like alcohol problems or something. I just don't know if my reasoning was just wrong?
15 Replies (last)

I'm going through a break up as we speak with a guy I was with for 2 1/2 years. Engaged and everything. We just grew apart.

It's so hard because you dont hate him. He didnt wrong you. You didnt wrong him. It's tough for sure. You are 20 years old for crying out loud, I wouldn't worry about it.

Gotta discover your life. And live your life. A guy will fall into it's place as you start to stabalize yourself in this world. Honestly, It's best to just leave things as they are. Be free with yourself and with your friends.

A lot of relationships become almost an addiction. It's something you are so used to having, and changing is a scary thing. So you start to grab on to what is familiar in your life, because you are unsure of what else is out there.

But I'm sayin, live a little. If he's not the one for you, you already know it. You've grown accustom to him, he never wronged you, so you feel bad that things are not working as you had planned in your grand scheme of things.


you are 20 and you've been with him since you were 16 or so right?  you are SO young! it's going to be hard to end the relationship, but if you are feeling that way about him now,it isn't going to get better, and it isn't fair to either of you to keep it going. you are only 20! you need to experience other things and other people before settling down.

i was with someone from 20 until i was 25. i started feeling the same way as you. i ended the relationship a year ago, and yes, it was SO hard, and i broke his heart. it was the worst thing ever. but you know what, a year later, i don't regret it. i do miss him as a friend, but the romantic feelings just weren't there anymore, and that hasn't changed.

you need to do what's right for you, but this is just my opinion and my experience. best of luck!
Thanks so much for your replies. Thats exactly the thoughts that were going through my mind. I think its just the fact that I'm not used to being single but I want to experience more. Your right, i am only 20 years old. I've never really had other relationships and I think that even if I knew he was right for me, I have nothing to base it on because I've had no other experiences.

I think its time for me to live a little. Thanks so much for the encouragement

Hey Stephhh I am also 20 and went through something almost exactly like you did.  I started dating him in high school and we had been together 3 and a half years.  During first semester of sophomore year I got really antsy and told him I needed to experience things on my own.  We broke up for two weeks and then he convinced me to take him back.

A month later I felt it again, this time I broke up for a month until he convinced me yet again to come back.  Finally, March of second semester I finally couldn't hold me feelings in anymore and broke it off for real. I loved him so much but I just was not into it.  He accepted it and we did our own thing for about 5 months.  I still loved him and we talked but we were both dating other people.  He never once tried to convince me to come back. Then I we started casually dating again, still seeing other people and seeing him ina place where he didn't need me and was completely fine without me made me realize how special he is and how I would be a fool to pass a love like this up just for some empty dating experiences.  This time I asked him to come back to me.  I felt like a terrible person for taking so many times to get it right but that is what it took to make me realize how special he is. 

When you are in that position where it doesn't feel right you need to find out for yourself and if you find later you still have a lot of feelings for them, it just might be right for you.  But it does take time.  Good luck!

I was in a similar situation... with someone since 16 and it lasted for over 4 years.  When you're that young, you still have a ton of changing and growing up to do.  Now, since you're apart from him, you're becoming your adult, independent self - much different than 16 years old.  Think about all the ways you are different, and he is different.  Its hard for a relationship to grow along with that.
Wow. Everyone has really awesome advice and very similar situations. Its nice to know that this isn't just happening to you and there are other people out there who can share experiences and advice with you!

I know couple that have been together for 15 0r 20 years and they started dating in the mid teens.

Its my feeling that you did the right thingm. Your still young and have your whole life ahead of you. So go see the world, there will be plenty of time for settling down with the right person.

Hey for all you know he will see it the same way you do. In time maybe the two of you were ment to be and if you are the two of you will find your way back to each other.

Just hang in there and enjoy your new found friends. Its about the adventure not the destination.

I'm quite a bit older than you, but I too am dealing with post-breakup feelings.

In a nutshell...

I'm 38, divorced for almost 2 years now and just spent the last 10 months involved with a man I met online. (crazy, yes I know...but it happened) Anyway, we chatted one night, then some days later spoke on the phone, met in person a few weeks after that and totally hit it off. We spent as much time together as we could...despite the distance.

Two weeks ago I started asking myself if this was really possible long term...and in looking at the reality of the situation, I didn't think it was. So, we talked about it and decided (I decided) it was best to cool things down for awhile.

The reality is...he's a Major in the Army and going to Iraq in a few months. In some ways I feel selfish to pull away from him...but, in another way I know I need to look out for my best interest.

Just today, after going 48 hours without talking to him...I started second guessing myself. Am I doing the right thing? I care about him very much and I know without a doubt he cares about me.

But, without going into a lot of detail...there are some things about him that really bug the crap out of me. So, am I just missing that "connection" and that's where the second guessing is coming from...or...have I just put up walls so high from my own issues about relationships that I'm not giving this a real chance?

Honestly, I don't know what is going to happen. I'm sure we'll keep talking, (in fact, he called me tonight) and while he's gone I will email him and send gift boxes to Iraq. When he gets back in a year or so, I guess we'll go from there.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm glad I'm not the only one who is in this boat.


So, am I just missing that "connection" and that's where the second guessing is coming from

I definitely know what you mean by that. I keep feeling like I did the wrong thing and then I think to myself, am I really missing the relationship or am I just missing seeing him or having someone in general. I suppose in time if its just the connection, we will start to realize it was definitely the right thing to do.
You're young, go out, have fun, be crazy. You need to see what else is out there. Can I assume that he was you're only serious relationship (any ones before 16 probably aren't that serious)? So many times you need to break away for a little to discover what you really want. If in a few months you meet other guys and you hit it off with one, that's great. However, if you find yourself wanting to be back with him, that's also great. Sometimes you need space and time for you to realize exactly how much a person means (or doesn't mean) to you. Good luck, keep us posted! :) 
Let it go!


People grow apart, i've seen it ALOT the past two years with people going away to uni. You change, your life changes, your thoughts change. Go with it. Stay friend with him, maybe you'll get back together in a few years... maybe you won't. Life is all about experience!


(says me, 20 and married to the guy i've been with 3.5yrs....) 

I had to come back and read my reply over again. Gah! Now I'M regressing. Bad bad me. Why do we do this? It's no fun. Relationships suck. I'm trying to focus on my freedom.

How are you doing anyway? 

star, I'm doing pretty well. I still keep going through second guesses and debating what to do. It probably has to do with the fact that I talked to him again last night and I had to sort of "break up" again. I think he was still hanging onto the fact that we might still get back together and hoping when I come home everything will be ok. I had to make him see that it might not be Ok. And even if we do get back together its not going to be for awhile. I think I'm more sad of the fact that I'm losing one of my best friends and not so much that I'm losing a boyfriend. So I'm just seeing how it goes and how I feel when school starts back up and I'm more pre-occupied and not thinking so much.

How is it going for you?

Egh super wishy washy. I thought things were going good for a while, until yesterday. See, I live with my 'ex' so its super rough. I cant sleep right unless he's in the bed next to me. I tried super hard last night, but I had to get him off the couch and tell him to go into the bed so I could get some rest. He doesn't need to cuddle close or any of that, but just the void makes me restless.

So I'm trying to -let go- as hard as I can. He's pretty much through with me. I really hate to be losing my best friend too. We hang out all day and are fine, but then when I get too comfortable, I 'forget' that we are broken up. Then it gets all weird and emotional. Ugh!

In a way, my ex and I broke up -again- last night. *sigh* rough stuff. But I'm excited to get my own place, a car, and live a life that is only for me. 

15 Replies