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I can't sleep with my husband!! (RANT)

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Arggh!  I am so frustrated right now.  I've been married to a wonderful man for 13 years, but I am finding this past year that I just can't sleep with him any more.  We talk, we have relations, but he sleeps so restlessly and noisily (A big snorer - probably with apnea) that I feel like I just doze all night long.  And he can't just turn off the light and go to sleep - he has to read until he literally falls asleep (which sometimes takes several hours) - and even though he got a little book light, it is hard for me to fall asleep with it.  My best sleep last night was the hour between when he had to get up and I had to get up. 

 I'd actually gone into the guest bedroom to sleep for a month or so, but that "hurts his feelings", and it makes me feel like I'm being a baby about it.  He can't see that I feel like it is selfish of him to deprive me of my sleep so that he has company, and I have a hard time dealing with his co-dependency (he also doesn't like going to the store by himself, etc).

I love him, I don't want to hurt him, I want him to know I love him, but I want some sleep!

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I dont blame you a bit, and my husband are real snugglers, and would hate to give that up.

But lack of sleep is a SERIOUS health issue for both of you.  It does more bad things to the body than just make you sleepy in the afternoon. 

I would make a deal with my husband, if it were me.  You can kindly express to him how difficult this is for you, too - you love being in the same bed at night.  Try to be reassuring, but that you can't handle the snoring and lack of sleep.

I would make a "condition" that he goes to the doctor and get a sleep study.  They moniter your sleep for one night to determine what is going on, and treat accordingly.  Its painless, they just hook you up to some electrodes.

Lack of sleep, among many other things, puts both of you at risk on the road.  Dont underestimate the seriousness of this.

There is a reason why Rob and Laura Petrie had twin beds.

You love him and don't want to hurt him.... but... this is having a serious effect on you and that does hurt you in return because of his lack of understanding for your part in all this.  You could try earplugs and asking him to wear a breathe right strip (if you haven't tried that already), but honestly I think he'd just equate that to more "baby behavior" on your end.

I'd put my foot down and insist on the sleep study.  Not sure how you can convince him if he's not willing to see your side in all this.  The study would help and if it really is apnea he can get treated for it.

Would definitely check to see if he is suffering from sleep apnea. The condition has been linked to very serious health conditions.

Also as you age, your sleep patterns change as well.

On a personal note, I would give just about anything to suffer my husband's snoring again - and 'baby' him the way I used to. Be grateful and be well.

Dr.Oz on the topic snoring! Time: 19:24 5



Stop Snoring - Source:

Article: Welcome to Stop Snoring Tips!

"This site also contains general snoring information, dealing with a snorer, information on stop snoring products, causes of snoring, snoring disorder (sleep apnea), and snoring surgery . Feel free to get started with the Stop Snoring Tips or any other section of our site listed below.

Tips below: The following tips will hopefully give you relief with your snoring problems. It's important to remember that different remedies will have varying success depending on the individual.


Elevate your head by sleeping on a thicker pillow or multiple pillows will help reduce your snoring.

Don't drink alcoholic beverages, take sleeping pills, tranquilizers, or antihistamines right before going to sleep, they will cause your muscles to relax and limit your air passage way.

Avoid dairy products, which can cause mucus build-up right before you go to sleep.

If you are overweight, losing some weight will reduce snoring by increasing the space in your air passage way.

Sleeping on your side instead of your back will help to prevent snoring.

A common remedy to prevent sleeping on your back is to sew a tennis ball to the back of your shirt; the discomfort of sleeping on the ball will prevent you from staying on your back.

Try following a regular sleep routine.

Try taking in a little bit of honey before sleeping.

Don't eat a big meal right before bed, if your stomach is full it will push up on your diaphragm and limit breathing passage ways.

Avoid eating "rich" foods such as cakes, cookies, chocolate and pizza.

Sleep on a firmer pillow, a pillow that's too soft encourages your throat muscles to relax and narrows your air passageway.

Inhale steam before sleeping or sleep in a room with a humidifier turned on, which will reduce congestion and moisturize the throat.

Purchase some nasal strips and put them on before going to sleep. Nasal strips will open up your nostrils and allow more air to come in, thus reduce snoring.

If you are a smoker, stop smoking, if that is not feasible then avoid smoking right before you go to bed. Smoking causes inflammation and swelling of the throat.

Take anti-snoring pills or use anti-snoring nasal spray.

Consult a medical professional if your snoring continues to adversely affect your sleep."

Home | Stop Snoring Tips | Dealing with a Snorer | Snoring Products
Snoring Causes & Information | Snoring Disorder | Stop Snoring Surgery

There was a new article on CNN Health today about snoring:

Thank you, kathygator, for reminding me to be grateful of what I do have - I forget frequently.

I have spoken with him about the sleep testing, several times, but he is resistant to it - I'm trying to not nag about it or be confrontational.  It does worry me sometimes, especially when I hear a gap in his snores and I think, breathe...breathe...breathe.

And I know I'm hard to get along with as far as sleeping goes - really rather obsessive-compulsive.  I don't like light, I like the covers just so (Opposite of how he likes them, as a matter of fact), and I don't like being breathed on or touched.  He is a cuddler, who abstains for my sakeSmile, though we do take time throughout the day for a squeeze.  And we're both obese, so there just isn't a lot of room in a queen bed.

Mostly, though, this really was just a rant to vent frustration over a largely sleepless night.  Don't know why it helps to post a complaint, but it does, especially when I happen to get sympathetic support.  Thanks, guys.

Obesity and sleep apnea is a very dangerous combination. I hope you can find a way to convince him to seek some sort of solution. Even those breathing strips.

I tried to get my man to see a doc, and he wouldn't. Too embarassed, I think, about his sedentary lifestyle. Sending energy for you both getting on the right track.

puh - is your husband working on losing weight with you?

As kathy said - obesity and apnea are linked. I've heard people say that when they lost weight, their apnea went away.

Also, if he started eating better and moving more (assuming he hasn't started already), that might help with the falling asleep - I gained weight because I was completely inactive and ate crap - and it made falling asleep hell for me. When i got onto a better food and activity schedule, I started falling asleep easier.

Best of Luck. btw: The Dr.Oz lecture is filled with all sorts of great information. Please, watch! At the very least the small portion about snoring/sleep apnea. Or: The whole clip when you have the time. I <3 Dr. Oz.  :) This could be a red flag for him. I would urge him to consider/learn a new diet plan/life style. There are things he can do to reduce it. That is if he is willing to put forth the effort to do so. He should at the very least have it checked out. It may save his life to learn about it from/with you. It's a real concern he should consult a doctor about,imho.

I also snore like a dump truck :)

my wife got some of the "strips" for me and they seem to be helping or so im wife has returned to our bed.    Maybe they will work for your husband as well

good luck and sweet dreams!

muzicman1975 - I'm glad to know I'm not the only one retreating to safer quarters!  The "strips" don't really seem to help him much - I think the obstructions are deeper in his nose, and they irritate his sensitive skin.

No, my husband isn't really working on losing weight with me.  He does eat what I fix for meals - with less complaint than the kids, I might add, and he's trying to slow down on the chips and soda, but he is having a hard time doing much else (I actually posted about this a month or so ago).  He has lots of excuses, and some of them are good ones, but he's just not motivated to exercise.  And it goes without saying that he is a bad influence on me, and though he speaks support, he offers bad choices.  We share a lot of the cooking and shopping duties since we have little kids, so I'm not in complete control.

Part of it is that he is not sleeping well, he has a 45 minute (at least!) commute, and his feet hurt.  He is mowing the lawn, which is rather large, with a push mower, though perhaps not as frequently as our neighbors would like, and he goes swimming with us in our backyard pool, but this will end come fall.  And the rest of the time he is pretty much glued to the computer - I'm not one to throw stones there.

 I think when the lawn doesn't need so much attention I will switch my 3X/week workouts to evenings, so he will come with me (I hope).  He's already started making comments about me being stronger than him.

As far as the sleep studies, I think the big obstacle is that he doesn't want to spend a night away from home for a machine that he isn't sure will help.  He also thinks it will be really noisy.  He doesn't like going to the doctor because he's met some real quacks, and it is hard to take the time off of work to go.

One of the biggest encumbrances to a good night's sleep is snoring. Snoring can  equal 85 decibels of noise, a level that violates OSHA laws. If he drops his body weight by 5% he can reduce his sleep apnea by 30%. If his collar size is more than 17 inches there's a pretty good chance he has sleep apnea.


Source: Dr.Oz.

I think my wife would agree with you on a number of points (the snoring and book reading).  Her solution for the snoring was to elbow me in the ribs went it woke her up.  After a while, I got trained to sleep on my side.  Similar idea to the tennis ball in the jammies thing, I guess.  Works out ok for us, since I don't move around much at night at all, so if I start on my side, I'll usually end up there too.

With regards to the light, I read off my cell phone/PDA.  It's not for everyone, but it works great for me.  I can now read at night without disturbing her.  Previously, though, I'd get up and read in another room, even though I really liked being able to read right up to the point of dropping off to sleep. 

And in the past 4 months, I've lost a good chunk of weight.  One of the pleasant side effects is that I no longer (according to my wife) snore.  So I'm allowed to sleep on my back again. :)


Original Post by pbear999:

Her solution for the snoring was to elbow me in the ribs when it woke her up. 

That's my solution too - a good jab works wonders.

And on a lighter note... if you can't sleep with your husband, chances are, nobody else will be able to either Innocent

Original Post by amethystgirl:

And on a lighter note... if you can't sleep with your husband, chances are, nobody else will be able to either Innocent

 He'd have to get less co-dependent to even attempt it!Wink

Why not bring up the fact that Sleep Apnea can kill you? It causes you to stop breathing.. sometimes people just don't start back up. My mom has it, though she isn't overweight. She also snores pretty badly. She's had surgery for it, where they remove any loose skin in the back of your throat as well as your uvula, but it didn't help much. If your husband is obese he should really put more effort into eating healthier and eating smaller portions. There's really no "good excuse" not to eat better. Even without exercise he should be able to lose weight effectively, which should help with the sleep apnea, and any other health problems he has that might be weight related (such as feet hurting from mowing the lawn, having trouble falling asleep, maybe feeling squished in the car on his 45 minute commutes). If he's resistant try packing him a healthy lunch with healthy snacks, and preparing a healthy breakfast for him. Don't keep junk food in the house. I would guess that if he starts losing weight and notices a difference in how he feels he'll be more motivated to keep losing and trying to get healthier. 

But you should not have to have a hard time sleeping just because it hurts his feelings if you sleep in another room. Tell him it hurts YOUR feelings when he won't go to a sleep study, or try to improve his health, for his own sake, or for the sake of you being able to sleep/being able to have a longer happier life with him/whatever else. Or just say you are sorry his feelings are hurt, but you need to take care of yourself, and do what will be healthiest for you, which is get enough good quality sleep.  

Sorry to hear the strips weren't much help..they usually do work well for most folks.  As he is obese there is a link to apnea and honestly if he tries to do more about it now...before he's much older, he'd be in a better boat so to speak.  My aunt, bless her has apnea and requires a cpap machine at night.  She was trying to lose weight, pushed too hard and there went her knee which now was replaced.  So she is more or less stuck with the machine with the limits she now faces with her knees.

I feel your pain on the lights and covers issues.... I have to have it DARK and prefer quiet... where my husband needs lights and background noise.  I'm a light sleeper, he's heavy.  Makes for some interesting issues.  Elbows don't work for us so I end up squeezing his nose (for a split second)and telling him loudly "You're Snoring again!" and then he'll snort, rollover and won't resume for a while.  Breathe right didn't work for us but he didn't have apnea so we're just stuck dealing.

Go ahead and "hurt" him.  Nag him until he has a sleep study, and go sleep in another room to reinforce your demand.  You have a right to a decent night's sleep. 

Of course, I'm no expert on marriage, having been divorced twice...

edited to add:  by the way, I had sleep apnea and snored when I was at my peak weight of 225.  I just had a sleep study and the apnea is gone because I lost 50 pounds.  I don't even snore anymore.

I have sleep apnea and have to use a CPAP at night (which is why I am on CC because I did not have breathing problems before I gained weight in my abdominal area). My machine is VERY quiet and it does help! I used to snore AND stop breathing in my sleep. Your situation is very serious and is something that he must get checked out!

Some people especially men need tough love when it comes to their health. Tell your hubby that even though you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him; if he does not care enough about you and the kids to get healthy then you will be upping his life insurance policy and will spend the rest of your days with a new body and a new beau after he's gone!

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