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I have a boyfriend of three months. I have much less time to myself than he does, because he works two days a week while I work five. So the problem is: he gets upset or disappointed when I'm too tired to hang out.
It's funny because last week, we spent every single evening together after I got off work. Yet, he was visibly upset this evening when I wasn't able to hang out after getting off work at 10pm.
In one sense, this is good because it shows that he actually likes me. But it's bad because my "down-time" is limited, I feel guilty, it's hurting the relationship, and when I see him I'm in a bad state of mind (because of tiredness, etc.).
Is it harsh to say he needs to get a life?? (in the sense that he needs a real job, so he can understand the tiredness I'm going through). Not to mention, my job has me standing up 9 hours a day...so I can't solve this by sleeping on the job.
If you have any opinions on this, please share!!
Yes, he needs to get a life. I can understand why he'd be clingy like that with all the free time on his hands, but that's not your responsibility. He needs to work more or get into an activity.
Is it worth breaking up with him over??
How do you think I should deal with it??
First you should communicate how you feel to him, communication is key in relationships, makes and breaks them... and if he continues to act like this take is as a red flag for when the relationship becomes closer, he may smother you, not want you to have 'your own friends' even stalk you... I know it's a bit extreme, but I went through almost the exact same thing, 3years later, I didn't have as many 'male friends' as I had before, he did become a stalker when I broke up with him and almost had to get a restraining order, I know this is a bit extreme, but the pattern is almost the same, he used to get upset if I couldn't hang out, I also had a job offer in another state, and he freaked out that 'I was leaving him' we had only been together for a few months... just my bit of advice, good luck and try to talk to him about your time being valuable to you... :)
Okay, that's what I will do. Tomorrow we will be getting together, and I'll figure out how to tell this to him.
I'm a bit afraid of seeming selfish. Is it possible to find a guy who is genuinely into you and is okay with seeing you a few nights a week (rather than every night)?? I mean, we're at a place in life right now - where it's crazy busy... school + work + extra-curricular + friends + hobbies. I mean, I'm not at a point where I'm willing to give that stuff up yet. I'm too young. Maybe this guy isn't the right one for me.
Hopefully it's okay that I'm writing this stuff on here... I know it's a weightloss site.. but I'm struggling and don't know who else to turn to...
Samwich it's not selfish, because you just said it your not willing to give friends, hobbies, etc., up yet, your too young... I think if you just say it honestly and openly to him, he should understand, but if you are already questioning if this guy isn't the right one then maybe it's just not right... regardless talk to him and let him know that life is crazy busy, school, work, etc., and that you need to have a balance in your relationship, your on the right track girl... and it is possible to see a guy a few nights a week, I mean give ea. some time to 'miss ea. other' once in a while right.. and it's the lounge forum, it's open here to talk about non weight issues...
Shapeshifter, thanks for the confirmation. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.
I'll try being open and honest, and if he doesn't understand, maybe it's just not the right relationship for me. If worst comes to worst, at least I've learned where my priorities lie.
Speaking of priorities, do you feel as though you need a lot of time to yourself to succeed in the whole weightloss thing?? I mean, when I take into account gym time, food preparation, sleep (because of all the exercise), and the stress (from dealing with cravings), I need to really be in control of my time. Like, my life seems to revolve around weight loss. I mean, I'll do whatever it takes.. but I was just wondering if that is normal.
Very normal, the weight loss forum has great information regarding your question :) and you ask a great question, I would start a topic in the weight loss forum and see what kind of feedback you get....... and also your welcome :) I commend you for sticking up for what you want in your relationship early on, your young and know to this now is a blessing. I wish I had known this when I was much younger... :)
Samwich! You are like MY boyfriend, and I am like YOURS! Hahaha. So I guess I can give you SOME advice since I'm speaking from experience.
My boyfriend and I go to the same college, and he is on the football team so his life basically revolves around that sport. In Fall, he will have practice every single day from 2pm to 9pm, and right now he has been in Summer football camp for the past 3 weeks, where practice goes from 6:30AM to 11PM --even on Saturdays and Sundays! And he HAS to live in their provided hotel because the team does bed-checks every night! So basically.. I haven't been seeing a lot of him lately haha.
I guess it is true that I am not understanding, because I give him a lot of emotional crap for not giving me enough attention. But most of the time he handles it pretty well. He'll call me every night before going to bed, and tells me that he wishes he could be with me but he's so tired he can barely keep his eyes open, and that he can't wait to see me again.
Maybe he is just being a sweet talker... but it sure keeps my teeth aching ! It doesn't hurt to tell your partner these cute things! It will keep the emotional hurt at bay, I'm sure.
shape shifter: Wow thanks very much for the encouragement. To be honest, I wasn't really sure... I'm glad you were here to share your wisdom. I never would have seen what you said coming (the stalking, etc.). Maybe he's not a stalker, but still.. I never would have linked the two behaviours together, even though they are so similar.
I will be sure to start a topic in the weightloss forum about the 'time priority' issue as well.
mimi: hmmm... I never thought of it that way. Well, how do you know if you two are compatible?? Like on your end, how do you know it's worth waiting around?? If I were to play devil's advocate, I'd ask: Why not find someone who is able to give you that attention you want?? Like, how do you decide the answer to questions like these?? (I apologize if I'm creating waves, I'm just really curious about how to solve this relationship issue)
Ever think of just sitting down and telling him that he has to back off, that you're too tired/stressed to hang out? Make him understand it has nothing to do with him, work just has you a little burned out. Talk in "I" sentences so he knows how you feel, and just reinforce the fact that he's not doing anything wrong, because him being upset tells me he's insecure of your feelings for him.
There's absolutely nothing weird about how you're feeling samwich! I'm married and I still need time to myself! My husband and I both work full time, but I deliberately set my hours so that I leave before him and get home before him. Coming home to an empty house and having an hour or two to just chill and do whatever I want is wonderful. Some people really need a break from other people to recharge, and it's a totally normal state of being.
And yes, I think a guy can be really into you and still be okay with seeing you only a few nights a week. It's called having a life of your own, and if the guy that's genuinely into you has one too, he will understand. He may WANT to see you every night (in fact, should want to!), but shouldn't give you crap if he can't.
I'll just repeat the good advice everyone else has given you: talk to him. Tell him you'd love to see him every night but you can't for reasons x, y, and z. Relationships are about compromise, and if you're both willing to make some sacrifices, you should be fine.
I can kind of relate to this...but my story is far more embarrassing in a sense, but I guess I'll share.
Because your boyfriend is pretty idle most of the time he will be clingy because you are probably the only spark he has right now in his life and gives him something to do in his many *free* hours. Does he have friends? I'm guessing he doesnt or doesn't have many if he is this clingy. Or perhaps, the excitement of being in a new relationship has him wanting to be around you a lot. (which will die in time if this is the case and he does have friends or other things to do. :P)
My story is I met my current fiance' over the net about 2 almost 3 years ago. I knew he had a lot of mental issues because of his childhood. I also have a lot of mental issues myself, so in that sense we had a lot to relate over. A lot of stuff a lot of people wouldn't understand had or have they experienced it and really know what mental illness is. Because of our issues neither of us work. He gets SSI and I currently get nothing (having applied, but the state I'm currently living in has turned down for reasons unknown.) So I have no income.
I moved in with him at his parents place until we could get our own place. It's a very small apartment (3 rooms) so it is very crowded. My fiance and I are constantly around each other and it is very hard for us to separate. It's as if we are not our own people but always known sort of like twins when both names are always brought into a single sentence instead of just the one of us. We are VERY co-dependant on each other. It's just a way of life for us and I and he both know it is very unhealthy, but it's a hard habit to break.
He attended a day program with counseling about a year ago and having to live in a new area with his parents with all my family and friends in my home state and nothing to do had me in a slump almost to the point of suicide. He sadly, and unfortunately lost his program which I feel guilty about to this day. However, in the letter his counselor gave him with his notes of losing the program were that my fiance and I were too very co-dependant on each other and it is so strong that is will be hard to break, but if we don't we will see problems in the future.
My guy is the same way though with me, he feels like he is alone and abandoned when I'm not around. Hell if it's like 45 minutes and I'm somewhere else (say in another room talking to someone, he will come out because "he missed me.") He doesn't have friends, where I do, but they are all in my home state.
I've tried going for a job, (as anxious as I am.) and he had no problems with it, but his mother put her nose into the whole ordeal and caused a big scene claiming that if I got a job "what would her son do?" which p*ssed me off..but that's another story. :P
Starting tomorrow is the first day of us trying to build a healthier relationship and I admit it is going to be VERY hard for us both. We came to visit my parents home for 3 weeks, tomorrow is the deadline and I have requested to stay for 1 to 2 more weeks here without him while he goes back to his parents place. I admit I am an emotional wreak to have that thought of not having him around everyday like I have for the past almost 3 years, and I know he is clearly very upset as well....but we are just trying to enjoy our last day until he leaves tomorrow. I just have to keep telling myself that this is for the best and it is only a short amount of time and I will see him again, but it is very emotionally draining for the both of us. We just have to start somewhere. It's just very, very hard. At times I have wanted to pull away because the relationship has been unhealthy in these aspects where I feel neither of us are going anywhere. Our future scares the sh** out of me quite frankly. I have even regretted and resented the relationship at times because of all of these reasons, but deep down I know I really love this man, it's just a struggle to deal with like in any relationship. Just something we really have to work on if we want to make this work and truly love each other. (which we do.)
Just be glad this relationship has only been for 3 months and you are seeing his ways now to prevent a future of resentment if it goes on more longer and deeper. Have a talk with him and see how it goes. If you are still seeing signs that you don't approve of or want for this relationship then I say pull away before they get worse. If you truly like this guy and want to make it work, then do so. Follow your heart, but always appreciate the mind's wisdom far more.
Good luck in whatever you do. :)