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My Girlfriend is pregnant and nothing adds up. Please help!!!
I’m new to all of this and just want someone else’s opinion on my situation. So here goes…
On November 19, 2008 my girlfriend had a Cone Biopsy to treat Cervical Dysplasia. After the surgery she was instructed not to have sex for 6 weeks. The following week we broke up. We were broken up for 2 weeks with no physical contact what so ever. On December 11th, 2008 we got back together for the first time having sex that night and the next two nights before I left to go out of town for work on the 15th. The following week on the 20th we went to her friends holiday party. I thought everything was back on track as far as our relationship goes we didn’t have one disagreement then I came home for the holidays and everything changed. She became very distant and very cold naturally I’m a careing person and wanted to know what was wrong. She on the other hand never talks about anything stuff that bothers her guilt that she carries from years ago she holds it all inside and non the less does not talk about anything but it shows on the outside that stuff is bothering her. So I continued to ask her what was wrong and we would had two minor fights about it. So on January 3rd of 2009 I had enough. I was being put off she was cold not affectionate and would not talk. I was ready to leave for good this time she went out to her garage to have a smoke and finally told me she thought she was pregnant. I was surprised but for some reason not shocked I kind of felt like something along those lines was going on. I gave her a hug and told her that I loved her and we went back up stairs and talked about it. Durring this time she cried and said she “Prays to god she is not pregnant” and that she “really does not want to be pregnant” So I told her we needed to go get a test and make sure. The test came back positive. We went out for lunch and talked about it and even joked around a little. She said that I was taking it very well. I was actually kind of excited. I know it was not what I was planning in life at the moment but I loved this girl and we are both in a position we can make this work.
Fast forward to the present day. I have since quit my job where I travel all the time and took a job that I will be in town every single day to make sure I am there for her and our kid. She is freaking out and still does not know if she wants to keep it and wants nothing to do with me. She won’t talk to me she pushes me away and keeps saying she doesn’t know if she wants this kid or not.
In the mean time I have started adding up numbers and dates. She said her last period began on December 8th but it was weird like it wasn’t as heavy and she thought it was her period and just thought it had something to do with the surgery. With that being said a conception calculator says that we should have conceived between the 19th and the 26th of December but when she told me she was pregnant she said she felt pregnant the whole week before the holiday party on the 20th meaning that we would have had to have conceived on the weekend starting the Thursday the 11th…. Now let’s just say she didn’t have her period on Dec 8th and the last real period began on Nov 10th. That would make possible conception time between the 21st and the 28th of November according to a conception calculator. If conception took place during this time the “I thought I had my period” was probably the implantation of the emroyo to the uturius which according to what I read takes place 8-10 days after conception and lasts a few days but does not always happen in every female.
The night on the 11th when we had sex I asked her if that was ok that she have sex because I knew she was not suppose to because of her surgery and she said it was ok just be gentle. Later on after we found out she was pregnant she said that she wanted to know this was my kid and told me she did not sleep with anyone else while we were broken up. I have taken responsibility for the fact that this kid is mine and I am there for her but all of these things don’t seem to add up and she wants nothing to do with me. Still pushes me away one day she is nice to me the next day does not say anything at all.
I know for a fact that she had sex with a guy the week before we had sex when we first met (she told me). I asked her what she would have done then if she had gotten pregnant and how would she have known who the father was and she just goes “I guess I would just have to have a DNA test”.
Do these numbers not make since to anyone else? Am I being crazy in my thinking here? I still love her and want this kid but I have no idea what to do. She says she wants time and just pushes me away and 2 months pregnant she still does not know if she wants to keep the baby. She has not told anyone while me on the other hand all the people close to me know and they all ask “is it yours?” and I says yes…..
Thanks for your time.
Oh I forgot to tell you that she switched birth control at the beginning of November would that have messed up her ovulation? And that she told me her breats were very sore the wole week after we had sex for the first time after we had gotten back together. I read that you have no signs of any pregnancy sore breasts etc... until after emplantation occurs.....
Has she had an ultrasound yet? The doctor can usually tell by the size of the fetus how far along the pregnancy is. That might help pin down a date that your gf got pregnant.
Is your gf normally that 'moody', I mean being distant and such? That just sort of sounds like someone with a guilty conscience to me. Maybe she's having doubts about the paternity? I'm just speculating, please don't be offended.
From what you've writen, I'd venture to guess that the light period was not really a period. Some women continue to have a period after conception has occured, and this may be what happened. Speaking from experience, my breasts became very sore just before I missed my period-after implantation had occured. So, I think you're right about that.
It's hard to tell if the dates add up, but an ultrasound would really help put things in perspective. Also, you may want to have a DNA test done after the baby is born if you have doubts. Btw, I think it's great that you've accepted this baby as your own and have made life adjustments in planning for the future. You sound like a good man who will make a good father. Good luck to you!
Hi thanks for the response.
No we have not had an ultra sound. I’m guessing that that will take place toward the end of February based on what she is saying. I’m also hoping this will give me a better picture as to is this mine or not based on the fact that she will not talk to me. She gets incredibly offended if I even bring up the subject based on how I asked it. I have since learned and tried very hard to approach questions differently and a bit more gentle with her. I was able to explain the date thing to her and she just shrugged her shoulders and didn’t say much.
She is usually very quite and distant with things are bothering her. Most of the time they are very simple things like someone said something to her at work or a friend made her made / sad or something along those lines. The times that she has felt guilty she was also very quite and distant. The more and more she pushes me away the more and more I’m thinking these dates really don’t add up and that there is way more to this. I have to admit she has asked for space and asked for it a few weeks ago and I have not been the greatest at given her that space. This whole process is very hard for me as well in that I feel like she is the person I need to talk to yet she won’t talk so as you can see I have resorted to this posting to get other peoples opinion. I know she is very frustrated with me but at the same time I can’t keep giving trying so hard and get nothing in return.
A few weeks after we found out I took her to Colorado an 8 hour drive to go skiing and after we got there and checked in I took her out for dinner where she started to cry. Later on that night I asked her why she was crying and she said that “I don’t appreciate you for al that you do.” I didn’t agree with her but I didn’t tell her that was not true because I believe she is correct so I just shrugged my shoulders didn’t say anything and went to sleep.
The night of the 20th of December (she though she was pregnant then) she started crying telling me that I had my whole life ahead of me and that I had such a bright future and wondered why I would want to be with her etc… (this happened frequently in our relationship… she cried on the 3rd date wanting to know when I was going to leave her).
The more I start taking the emotion out of this the more I start looking at these dates objectively the more I see this potentially is not mine kid based on how she acts. I can’t just come out and say this to her because it very well could be mine and I do want a relationship with her and I do want this to work…… I just find the facts based on the dates and the things she has said to not really add up to the point that there could be no doubt.
i feel like i understand your gf a bit. im also the type of person who is very distant and what not. so maybe her distence and mood and what not is not from the issue of perternity but of whether or not she can handle having a baby. she is most likely tarafied and i feel like she is leaning twords the termination but is having a hard time becasue you like the idea of a baby and that is just stressing her out more, not to mention some major hormones changes.
as for the issue of paternity. i think for now (untill the ultrasound or more dafinitve test) bleave it is you who is the father unless she has a history of cheating or things along that line.
i gess what im getting to is you should find out what has been bothering her. ask her ask her family ask her friends if she wont tell you. im sure she has a lot on her mind and has to make a life changing disition (eather way it will change her life) and so paterniti might be an issue its praboly not the dominint one with her right now.
also it might be prudent for you to start thinking about what you will do if the kid is not yours (wether you know or not) how will it change things etc etc
sorry if that didnt help much
i hope every thing works for you
Thanks for the reply. She does not want to talk to anyone period. Her best friends her family the only people she talks to are the people she needs to for work. She finally pushed me away like she did everyone else. I have no reason to believe she has ever lied to me about stuff but we were broken up for two weeks in the end of nov beg. of dec... For now I will wait for an ultra sound if I am included in that which should give us a closer exact date as to the development and I can go from there. This is a girl that already has a 7 year old boy and a year after he was born had an abortion so she has gone through that and knows the guilt and still carries it. I have felt her push me away to get me to say I dont want this kid and i think she wants me to say that which I won't. I told her if she absolutly does not want to have this kid while I'm not for it I would support her in your decision but there is no reason for it we can do this. Anyway at some point she will have to start answering and if not her story will not be bullet proof when she starts getting ultra sounds.
If she has the typical average, 28 days cycle and 14 days Luteal phase, than the following calculation would be acurate:
"Based on a last menstrual period of December 08, 2008:
Your baby was conceived around December 22, 2008.
Your first trimester begins December 08, 2008.
Your second trimester begins March 03, 2009.
Your third trimester begins June 16, 2009.
There are 218 days left until your due date.
You are 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Your baby's crown to rump length is approximately 12 mm or 0.50 inches and weighs about 1 gram. To learn more about what is going on during your pregnancy check out our pregnancy calendar. "
If she has a different cycle length, from the start of one period to the start of the next than this information is different. Does she know how many days her cycle normally is? She could have as long as a 45 day cycle, not typical but possible. Ifshe had a 45 day cycle she would have Your baby was conceived around January 08, 2009 with a due date of October 1st.
If she has unusually short cycles, as short as 20 days. the conception date would be around December 14th, and the due date would be September 6.
Remember you can not tell by when the baby is born since only about 1% of babies are born on the due date. However an ultrasound technician can give a close estimate of how far along she actually is. She can make a better guess if she knows about how long her cycle normally is.
Anyway, I guess bottom line is it is possible the baby is yours. It is not possible to know either way just yet. You said you had sex the 11th, 12th, and 13th in your post if I am reading right. If she has a short cycle, she could have concieved the 13th. It is possible. That would mean though that she has periods a little closer together than the "average" woman.
I can understand the pushing away thing... I'll be honest; I doubt I would really be able to tell my bf if I was pregnant... I mean, I'm sure it would come out eventually but I just, well... I dunno, I just wouldn't want to tell him (for some strange reason). Your gf sounds like a very emotional girl in general (even for being cold, she sounds hard to deal with). And I can understand that being I am the same way; I give my bf hell sometimes and it's just how I am. lol.
That being said I think you should carry on how you are bc you don't know if it's yours. Would you rather you left and find out that it is yours and regret not being there at every step of the way? Or would you rather have to burden the shame of supporting someone for 7 more months to find out it is not yours?
The way I figure it is if you put your neck out on the line and it gets cut at least you can say you went there without regret. If the situation is reversed you can never get that time period back, so better to be burned then to accidently assume wrongly. At this point there is about a 50-50 chance you are or are not the father: keep that in mind.
Hope that helps. Good luck, and I hope you get the answer you're looking for.
Ovulation can be pushed back, especially with medical procedures like that. Those calculators aren't one-size-fits-all, even for normal people.
But do you feel pregnant with in 4 days after conception? She said that the whole week after we got back to gether from the weekend she felt pregnant... All of my female friends and ones with kids say it takes a few weeks for it to kick in?
That is kind of what I have been doing but it is very hard when she pushes me away and doesn't even want to talk to me. I quit my job in which I loved in order to make this work and last week was my first week at my new job and she was cold and shaddy all week.... All of my friends say that she is feeling guilty and are willing to bet that it's not mine. Stuff just doesn't add up right with this.
"feeling pregnant" can be physical or psychological. She could have "felt" pregnant because she was afraid she was pregnant so she was extra sensitive to every little thing. Little things, like gas, can make her "feel" pregnant even if she wasn't if she was scared and worried about it. Your brain can play tricks on you. I once was afraid I was pregnant and I started to look for signs, I found signs and felt like I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative, but I felt pregnant so I didn't believe the test. Then a few days later I started my period. (it was about a week later than normal.) But when I was actually pregnant with my daughter I didn't "feel" pregnant until after I took the pregnancy test and it was positive. Sometimes the "feelings" are right and sometimes in is psychological.
I am sure you are both feeling pressured, nervous, and stressed. Try to relax. If you still care about this woman than just calm down and try to help her to calm down too. Take her out for a nice Valentines date this weekend.
When it is time for the ultrasound, tell her you want to go to the doctor with her to see the ultrasound. If you are still worried, wait until the baby is born and get a DNA test. In the meantime, treat her with trust and believe her when she says the baby is yours. You would feel like a total A** if you didn't and it turned out she is being honest and the baby is yours. That would probobly ruin your relationship with her. If you find out the baby is not yours, cross that bridge when you come to it.
You definitely have a struggle ahead of you...
To echo the thougts of others, those conception calculators are often wrong, because they assume ovulation on Day 14 of every cycle, which is not always the case. And, because of the fluxuation of each woman's cycle, it's technically possible for you to have sex on Monday and get pregnant on Friday. So don't freak out... really, evaluate for yourself what you would feel/do if you have a paternity test done after the birth and you find out the baby isn't yours. Don't wait until that moment, prepare your mind and your emotions as best as you can now.
As for your girlfriend, what she is going through is hugely complex. I work at a crisis pregnancy center, and the emotions are always running high... if you want specific ideas to help her, email me and I'll see what material I can give you. Other than that, you really just have to let her sort out her priorities, fears, anxieties and balance her hormones. Make sure she knows your feelings though - if you don't want her to abort, make sure she knows that. If you want to parent, tell her. If you would support adoption, tell her. Your willingness to love her unconditionally and be there throughout this season despite her moodiness can be very healing.
Hope this helps!
If she had light bleeding on December 8th, that could be ovulation spotting. Sometime people will spot around their fertile times and it can sometimes be confused with their period. And women can get sore breast during ovulation, period, or as a first symptom of pregnancy. Since she is not totally sure it was even her period I would trust her right now. She probably needs it. If the ultrasound and things prove otherwise then maybe then would be the time to wonder.
All women of different cycles and sometimes (many times) those cycles vary some from month to month. You can ovulate way early or later than normal from time to time and especially after a change in birth control.
Also like someone said before, would it change everything if you found out that this was not your child? Would you still offer to take care of her and accept this child as your own?
It is very possible and I'm not rulling that out. All of these dates and times are all up in the air with the fact that every women is different. It just seems strange how she has shut every single person out of her life and pushed me completly away. The things she has said to me makes me think she is secretly telling me what is going on.
"I don't appreciate you enough"
"Everyone will think I'm a whore"
"I should just move into a trailer park"
"I'm so pissed off this happend to me again!" - Her 7 year old is a result of a one night stand.... She has been dating me going on 8 months minus the two weeks we broke up. I highly doubt anyone would think she is a whore if she got pregnant from a guy she was dating for 8 months. Stuff happens....
When I tell her that everything is going to be ok she says
"You don't know that"
"I will loose my job" - She is terrified of lossing her job when in fact she has the perfect job to have a kid she works from home and doesn't even have to go into the office most days..... Unless this pregnancy could be work related??? In october I caught her boss texting her in the middle of the night and later looked at her phone because she was very secretive of it. Found out he wanted to take photographs of her naked and she kept the convo going via text... Not to mention he is married and that would explain why she also says...
"This affects so many peoples lives" The last I checked it affected my life her life, our kid's life, and her 7 year old kids life. She knows I'm on board with everything but I feel like there is more to it with how she is acting and how she is so terrified. For the last month it is like she could care less about me and that I made a huge life change to be able to make this work for her. It seems like i'm not even a priority in this not even at the bottom of the list....
I also remembered that right before Christmas she went in for a check up on her surgery for the biopsy she had done on her cervix. Would they have been able to tell she was preganat then by doing that check up? If so that would explain why she got very very cold right before christmas and didn't know what to think of it and did not tell me until I was ready to leave her on January 3rd.
My friends have told me to wait until she gets an ultra sound. I'm guessing by the size of her she is done with the first trimester from what I have read. If that is the case it is not mine either that or she is pregnant with twins.
If this kid is not mine no I will not stay with her. There have been to many shaddy things going on for me to ever want to stay with her if you put on the fact that she has put me through this for the last month. I was at a point in my life I could truly say I was happy and content and have already made huge changes to make this work and I can't reverse those decisions I made.
All I really want is for her to start talking. If this kid is mine she knows I will stay and I will be there for her. I have told her that over and over again but it doesn't phase her.
What am I suppose to do? She doesn't want to talk to me no phone calls no nothing...
It does sound like you may have reason to doubt, from what you are saying. Maybe she doesn't know if it is yours or not, and she is afraid to tell you? Maybe she is afraid that you will disapear from her life if there is even a chance the kid might not be yours? Maybe she wants to wait until the ultra sound to see if she can figure out if it is yours or not before she tells you? Who knows, woman have done it before. None of us know her, you are the only one who can say wether this is something she is capable of or not. Some women would not cheat, would not lie, some women would.
I don't know what else to tell you, other than wait and see. Go with her to the ultra sound appointment. Ask the doc yourself how far along she is and what the due date will be. Don't assume either way yet, it is impossible to know yet.
Just to keep it short and simple: if you doubt the child is yours, request a paternity test as soon as the baby is born. This is the only way to settle your doubts and find out the truth.
I have an almost three year old son, and his father goes back and forth between believing that he is the father and doubting me, and his son. I am not going to pay for a paternity test (because I cannot afford one) but I wish that he would do so already, or that it would already be done, so he can shut up about it. I know the truth, your girlfriend (probably) knows the truth, and it is just much easier with hard evidence. In my case, my son's father is the father, and I know so 100% (never cheated on him)...that is why I would rather him get a paternity test than to doubt his son for the rest of his life.
Uh, your totally over thinking this. You lost me.
but i think your girlfriend sounds like a whore. If she really truley cared about you she wouldnt have hooked up with another guy THAT SOON after you! i mean seriously....that being said i think you need to do what is right FOR YOU!!!!! if the child is yours, do whats right and b there...if it isnt yours, get the hell away from her...get far far away!!!! she doesnt sound like good news. and deffinatly not the type of person you'd like to be a mother to your children....what a great role model
Original Post by goldenathlete:
but i think your girlfriend sounds like a whore. If she really truley cared about you she wouldnt have hooked up with another guy THAT SOON after you!
She was with someone after they FIRST met- not when they broke up.
Anyway, it is entirely possible. I was ttc with my husband and using ovulation tests. I ovulated on day 21 of a 42 day cycle and got a positive pregnancy test 4 days later. Not common, but it can happen.
Original Post by kelleigh:
Just to keep it short and simple: if you doubt the child is yours, request a paternity test as soon as the baby is born. This is the only way to settle your doubts and find out the truth.
I totally agree, you are not going to feel comfortable always wondering if this child is truly yours. If you & she decide to go through with the pregnancy, you can always get a paternity test without her even knowing (google Orchid Cellmark). Therefore, you don't upset her & it will give you ease of mind.
That being said- is it going to make a difference if the child is not yours? You obviously love her and want to be there for her, so maybe you may ease your mind in deciding now that it doesn't matter who the biological father is, you are the dad and that is what matters.