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Hi everyone, I am in such a mess. Have not stopped crying this past few hours and really feel like I have lost all control..............despite wanting to get better!!!
Im not long home from therapy and from Wednesday I have gained 400g (near 1 pound) but this was in 5 days AND not eating over 1,824 calories. Not only that, I have reached a hard/hurting milestone, which some might think is stupid, but to me, Im in bits. I have reached 7 stone (44.2kg). It is the first time that I have been out of the 6 stone range in a very very long time!!! Despite wanting this illness to go away I feel way too heavy, too big, too ugly, lost control and that I have nothing else in my life....basically, I feel worthless
I never went over 1,824 calories in the 5 days but yet I gained??? My BMI is now 15.2 (Height 5ft 7").
I feel terrible and all I want to do is loose weight BUT yet part of me doesnt??!! Does that make sense??
Does anyone or has anyone else ever felt like this and will it just get harder?? Im finding it hard to accept that I am anorexic as I feel because I am not under 6 stone that I am "ok". Yet the only time I really feel sick is when Im tired. Please help. Xxxx
Hey:) I just sent your a message.
One pound doesn't mean anything. It could be water weight, the way you stand on the scale, time of day, anything. However, gaining on a low amount is normal when you have been restricting because your metabolism is slow. To get your metabolism going again, you have to eat more. At least 2500 or more if you can.
The part of you that wants to recover is the real you. The part that wants to lose is the ED. 18.5 is the absolute minimum to be healthy. And yours is only 15! I know sometimes its hard to think rationally in this condition, but that BMI is way too low.
I can tell mentally you are in a really bad place right now. But you are not worthless, you are worth recovery and you deserve to be happy. I doubt me saying that will make a difference though. YOU have to believe it. Some days it will be hard, but as time goes by, it gets easier. You don't want to live like this. You have too much life left to live to throw it all away. Please believe me and choose recovery.
Don't give up!! I am in recovery right now too. I'm 5'4" and 88lbs. I'm not sure how many stone that is...
There are days like yesterday when I know I can do this and recover and be ok and eat what I need to eat according to my meal plan. There are days like today when all I want to do is restrict. My therapist and dietician reassure me this is normal and it's my ED voice talking and I just have to push past it, bite by bite, meal by meal. My therapist advised me to look at each part of the day as an hour...don't look at the day as a whole...just getting through each hour is a huge accomplishment when the ED voice is so strong...
You can do this!! Don't give up!! We are all here to support each other!! Keep working at your goal and get healthy...it will be worth it!
One lb is nothing. Not even noticable on a person. People who don't have an ED eg don't count calories or weigh themselves, probably gain and lose 5lbs in a month and no one would know!
And also please, please don't put yourself down! You can do this! You're bit worthless, just strong and brave. :)
Sorry i cant be of anymore help, but If you need to talk, message me anytime :)
Okay. Take a deep breath. This is what I recommend for you--go look in the mirror, look yourself right in the eyes and tell yourself this: "I love myself. I love everything about myself. I am willing to do what it takes to be healthy because I LOVE MYSELF." When all those little demons start to tell you about all the things you don't like about your appearance, tell them to be quiet because YOU LOVE YOURSELF and you are going to take care of yourself. I know this is hard, but if you keep doing it, you will eventually start to believe it that you really do love yourself and you will start to heal.
This is a hard road, but it's worth it. Try not to focus on the numbers and instead try to remember that you are worth loving and your body is worth nourishing. Your body is amazing--it has gotten you through life this far, and you have lots of good years ahead of you.
I have been in a similar place, years ago when I was in high school. It was awful--truly awful--but I learned a lot about proper nutrition and how to treat yourself with love. And I'm happy to say that I will never be that skinny again. I hope that you are able to say the same thing some day.
Okay, first of all, it sounds like you AREN'T trying to gain - if you aren't, then there's a problem, because you are way underweight and you need to eat more than 1,800 calories a day, more like the 2,500 mentioned above.
I really hope you aren't trying to lose more weight. You should not be trying to lose weight, but it sounds like you are. You are not currently at a healthy weight.
I promise that I am TRYING to recover, I really am . Im just finding the torturing thoughts and feelings too hard to cope with. I cant seem to deal with them. All I feel is fat, ugly and useless.
I just could not understand how I gained 1 pound in 5 days with eating no more than 1,800 calories.
I also got so scared that if I increase my calories how much weight will I then put on, on a weekly basis.
I just feel so low and down that I cant think of a reason why I deserve to get better.
Ive had an ED so long that Im just so scared of not fitting in or been accepted when I am at normal weight.
I am totally consumed with fear. I do want to get better, believe me, I do. Xx
Hun, calm down a pound is nothing seriously. Its all water weight and extra food mass in your system, I promise you so don't worry and carry on with it. Try to increase your calories if you can so you can repair your metabolism you will be soo glad you increased cus you'll be able to maintain on a nice amount of calories :). You do deserve to get better sweet, it is your ED telling you otherwise and I promise you it will get better as long as you stick with it. I know how scary it is, trust me I've been there its probably going be the worst thing you'll ever go through (I know it is for me) but you will be so glad that you decided to get better. You can get your life back, you've got so much going for you and A LOT of things to look forward to, do not let this horrible disease hold you back, please.
I wish you all the best hun :) x
I hope you are feeling better today. All those bad thoughts can be really awful. They are caused by hunger. Even if you don't feel hungry, your body is starving and all those bad thoughts are related to the starvation. When you are getting enough food every day and you are back to a normal BMI (18 or higher), those thoughts will die down (not necessarily go away, but at least back off). Keep up with the counseling too, to help you address the reason you started having an eating disorder and to help you deal with all the hard emotional stuff.
Good luck! Big gentle hugs sailing across the ocean to you.
Hi there, thank you so so much for time care and support. I very much appreciate it.
Im honestly feeling all over the place. Ive had an ED for nearly 14 years now. Anorexia this past 7, so I feel like its become who and what I am. I feel like its all I have and the only thing that Ive ever had control of. As much as I hate the daily torture of pain/feelings/thoughts the feelings of guilt/greed/failure/fat/heavy etc when "trying to give it up" feels so much worse to deal with.
Im just scared now to increase calories as only eating 1,800 calories and below gained me near 1 pound in 5 days. What will happen if I increase more over a weekly basis? Im just so full of fear.
Ive also near went over the 7 stone range in many years (44kg plus) so now I think Im too big and heavy. My head (as silly as it sounds) believes that Im not anorexic as Im such a high number on the scales and on the BMI chart. IM NOT saying I want to be sick/anorexic, I just feel that Im ok and not sick because of them numbers!!
I want to change but "letting go" is driving me crazy!! To the extent Im pulling at my hair with stress and anxiety. Im a mess but anyway, thank you all for your help. I am very thankful.
A big hug right back at you. Xx
I hope you're seeing a therapist of some sort, if not, you should be, or a nutritionist. A BMI of 15 is UNHEALTHY. You're aware you have an ED but you're letting it control your life. You need a BMI of at least 18 to be in the low end of 'normal'. You don't weigh enough and it's going to kill you if you don't get healthy.
I don't know if you know all this already or not, but you need to continue eating at least 1800 if not more every day, and start nourishing your body. You have got to talk t someone you know in your personal life about this and figure out how to feel better about your body when you have more than an ounce of fat on it.
You know you aren't too big. You KNOW this.
Hello, yes I am seeing a therapist. I had been getting CBT for 2 years but it was not effective, and now for just over 4 years I have been getting psychotherapy. I just seem to be getting worse and not better. Its now become chronic anorexia with last year been my worse year as I was rushed into hospital vegring on organ failing. My weight dropped to 37kg with a BMI of 13.
Even with that happening me, it was not enough to make me want to get better. I honestly just feel so undeserving (due to past history with family and personal experiences). I want to be "normal" then I feel guilty for wanting to.
Im just feeling very very mixed up and confused. I am so full of anger and rage and I direct it all at myself and into myself. I cannot seem to get past the "number" thing. This is with weighing/measuring all foods and liquids. To numbers on the body scales to the numbers on the BMI scale. It is consuming me and I dont know how to to stop it!!!
I swear I am NOT looking for attention or pity. I am just very lost and feeling just fat, heavy, ugly and useless. Thank you everyone. Xxx
Keep trying!!! You are worth it. :o)