I'll start, oh but first I must tell you I had to go to my Doctor today because of my arm. I told him "My arm hurts in several places".
He said "Well, don't go to those places".
hahaha, your turn. (yes I need serious help...)
Me: *looks down at runners* They were made in Germany.
You: Why do you say that? How do you know?
Me: I could tell by the little knotsies.
In the same vein:
Man in a doctor's exam room; the doctor walks in. Man asks, "Doc what are your rates?"
Doctors says $150 for the initial visit and $100 thereafter." Man says, "well it's good to see you again, doctor. My arm still hurts, what should I do?"
Doctor says, "continue with the course of treatment I gave you last time. That will be $100; pay the nurse on the way out!"
One more for the road:
Two pigeons meet at a statue, one asks the other "Spot any nice cars today?"
he he he :D
I think "spot any nice bald heads?" would work too
Q: What kind of pants does Mario wear?
A: Denim, denim, denim. (Say it out loud.)
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
A little boy is sitting on a bench eating a whole giant box of chocolates one after another. An old man walks up to him and says "Hey kid, you know you're never going to grow up to be big and strong eating all that candy like that!"
The kid says "You know what, my grandfather lived to be 97 years old!"
The old man says "Did he eat all that candy?"
The kid says "No, he minded his own freakin business!"
Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One turns to the other and says "Boy, it's hot in here." And the other one cries "AHH!! A talking muffin!"
Two tomatoes are crossing the road.
"Watch out for the <squish>"
What's a pirates favorite state?
Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley. One was assaulted.
Interrupting coefficient of static friction.
Interrupting gir- <stares>
[Giraffes don't talk]
What's brown and sticky?
2 guys walk into a bar, the 3rd one ducks.
A giant grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartenders says "Hey, we have a drink named after you", the grasshopper responds "you have a drink named Steve?"
What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
A piece of string walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "We don't serve string here."
The string leaves.
Five minutes later, the string walks back into the bar, with his ends all tousled and a strange lump around his middle.
The bartender looks him over and says,"Weren't you just in here? We don't serve string."
The string says,"No sir, I'm afraid not."
(Get it? "I'm a frayed knot?)
A man walks into the Doctor's office with a carrot up his nose and a piece of celery sticking out of one ear. The doctor stops him and says "I can already see your problem - you're not eating right!"
Ok, this on isn't clean but it is short:
Cunnilingus is not an Irish airline.
Ah, just remebered a super short and clean one: Velcro: What a rip-off!
another short, clean on for you...
What do you call a mushroom that walks into a bar and buys everyone a drink?
A Fungi... get it... a FUN GUY!!!
This is one from my daughter...she told me it when I had a bad day and I just couldn't stop laughing. It isn't that funny but at the time it made me feel so much better:
Why did the gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!
my daughter thought this one up: what time is it when you go to the dentist? tooth-hurty!! (2:30)...pretty dumb but I laugh every time I hear it.