A few years ago I worked in the Associate Circuit Court. Often times I would be called upon to record a misdeameanor trial. On this one particular day, the defense attorney was attempting to prove that his client was wrongly accused and innocent of a DWI. So the defense attorney, (I'll call him Paul) was questioning his witness, the patrolman who had made the traffic stop. In his line of questions he asked, "Did you administer the sobriety check?" and "What were the results of the sobriety test?" and then he asked "DID MY CLIENT HAVE SPLURRED SEECH"....The judge had to call a recess while the laughter in the courtroom died down. Even the judge couldn't help but laugh.
So, what's your story?
Reason: Removed all caps from title
Hey Everyone. I have another story for you. I have a brother who is about a year and a half older than me and when he was 14, he got a dog. She was half foxhound and half blue heeler. Her name was Duchess. She was a great dog. She lived with us for a while and then moved with him wherever he went, in his own apartments or when he came back to the family home at various times. Anyway, this wonderful dog passed away from cancer yesterday morning and so I was inspired to share one of my favorite memories of her. One day, Kaleb (my brother) and I were in his bedroom with Duchess. We were about sixteen and seventeen or so. I don't really remember that for sure. Anyway., Duchess was very affectionate and she began licking Kaleb on the face. He turned his head and said, "Duchess, your breath stinks!" No sooner had he said this, then she bounded off the bed, ran over to his dresser, put her front paws up on the top, pulled a packet of breath mints off the top of the dresser, pulled one out with her teeth, chewed it up, and bounded back on the bed and kissed him again. Once the shock wore off, we laughed hysterically and congratulated her on being the smartest dog we knew. We loved her very much and will always miss her. Thanks for listening to this story. Your enjoyment is a great tribute to her memory.
We have 2 dogs, Mutt Lee and Che. Mutt has been with us almost 14 years and now that Che lives with us, he's a little competative. I'm a vegetarian and he was a little picky with some of the veggies, but he has decided that he would rather have them, then let Che have them.
We also own our own store. Today, DH has picked up a couple of items and 2 little cardboard tags fell onto Che, who was laying by my desk. Mutt jumped up, snatched them up and ate them! And he thinks the joke is on her....
So there I went off through the fields alone, in the dark, thinking about snakes and spiders. The farther I walked toward my heading the farther away everyone else got, the darker it seemed, and the more I worried about snakes and spiders.
I stopped to look at my compass, put the compass away, and just as I started walking something hit my boot. I immediately knew I must have stepped on a snake and it was attacking me. I jumped away from it. It attacked my boot again. I screamed and started to run. It kept hitting my boot over and over. People poured from the woods turning on their emergency lights, everyone was running towards me to save me from this horrible snake!
Then the first guy arrived, turned his emergency flashlight toward my boot, and we both froze looking at it. There it was, and I was speechless......that's right, it was my compass hanging on the string from my belt and hitting my boot everytime I moved. My rescuers all laughed and went back into the woods. I was teased about attack compasses for a year.
One day several youth groups met for an activity. I met a very nice guy at a hayride. We had a really good time, and he asked me out. I said yes. Well, he came to pick me up for our date ... and it didn't go so well. He seemed very uncomfortable and kind of mad, and he dropped me off early. I had NO idea what was wrong ... until I got a call from the youth group leaders. It never occured to me to tell him I was not Jewish, and of course he assumed I was since I was at the event. But I totally forgot that there was HUGE (and beautiful) iron crucifix at the entry of our house - the first thing you saw as you walked in the door. My parents are not religious, but it is a beautiful piece of art. In any event, he told his parents, who complained to the youth group, who then restricted my activities with the group and told me I HAD to tell people I was not Jewish whenever I did attend any functions.
I never understood why he didn't just tell me right off the bat, or at least ASK me about it before making a big stink; but I can see why he and his parents were pissed off, since they wanted him to meet a "nice Jewish girl" which is why he was participating in this youth group ... but I still think he could have been truthful! Besides, it was frickin' high school! It's not like we were going to run off and get married! :)
One was when my oldest was tiny. Unfortunately, he was unusually articulate for one so young. We were sitting in church one hot summer day and the tottery old gentleman giving the prayer seemed to go on forever. As his voice waivered, rose and fell, my tiny little two year old said in an uncomfortably loud voice, "Mamma, is he going to die before he says Amen?" I thought I would.
As a warning to all you new parents out there; NEVER assume your toddler is asleep!!!! Maybe I better not share the next one, it is a bit too racy. Never mind... :)
I was going on a first (and last) date with an absolutely gorgeous guy, who wouldn't stop talking about himself. (this should have been my first clue)
He had done runway modeling in Italy, he had played sports for "this" team, he had done this many triathalons...blah blah blah
But, it was kind of a favor for a friend so I went. He picked me up at my house dressed nicely...good hair, clean face, nice shirt/pants...and FLIP FLOPS, in February, in the snow, in Pittsburgh...uuugggghh (this should have been my second clue)
We go to a great Japanese steak house and sit at the bar to get a drink. I order a glass of wine he delays...not knowing what he wants
After 3 return trips from the bartender (this should have been my third clue) he finally orders his drink...
A FUZZY NAVEL...are you serious? I packed up my purse, pushed the glass of wine to the end of the bar, and WALKED to a new bar where I knew friends would be...
Not so macho now, Mr. flip-flop wearin' fuzzy navel drinkin man, are ya?
"I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The boy had spiked hair in different colors:green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at him;the teenaged boy would look and find him staring every time.When the teen had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one! And in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you might be my son?"
My sister was working the late shift in a big city hospital emergency room one Friday night. She's an x-ray technician, always amazed at what weekends bring. This particular evening, a sharp-dressed man of middle age came in with a knee injury. He explained that he had tripped on the dance floor, so the doctor ordered an x-ray. As Sis led the patient from the exam room, she couldn't take her eyes off his ensemble. He wore a silvery silk shantung suit, a salmon shirt and lilac tie, and purple patent leather shoes with crocodile textured sides. As she helped him from the ER to Radiology, he gave her the details on how he had hurt his leg. She blurted out in reply, "Well, come right this way, Mr. Jones, and we'll get a picture of those shoes!"
True story--she still can't believe she said that!
Knowing this, and being a somewhat intelligent person I decided to dry some apples that were getting ready to almost not be good. It only filled up 4 trays and I had a whole bottom layer to do something with. I thought and thought and remembered that I had something that would be perfect for that last layer. I had just enough for one row and if I didnt do something with it, it would for sure go bad.
I was feeling oh so incredibly smart for not wasting any room and working towards a healthier lifestyle. I am Queen of the world. I am genius.
Never ever ever dehydrate onions with your apples.
I am such a dork
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