I'm feeling a bit daunted at the moment and don't quite know what to expect
In 2004 I was 18 and and very very overweight. I decided to start eating healthily which worked and I lost tonnes of weight - my philosophy was 'lifestyle change' and I started reading up about food and nutrition combined with taking up running and cycling. For the first few years life was bliss, I found that I was a really talented runner but I was constantly in fear of the press which said most overweight people pile it all back on within the first 5 years. Over the years I continued to cut out certain foods in the belief that they were damaging, it started with junk food, then fats, then red meat, then all meat and fish, then anything containing sugar such as flavoured yogurts, moving on to natural sugars combined with working out more and more - mainly running, cycling and rowing.
I don't even know when it all started and I now only eat less than 10 certain foods which consist of egg whites, celery, iceberg lettuce, cucumber, 0% fage yogurt, sugarfree jelly (jello), Extra light philidelphia cheese. combined with having to workout for at least 3hrs a day and starting to self harm (not loads but occassionally) and this is what has made me finally see the light. Life has become unbearable and I feel like I've just been going through the motions, I've stopped going out completely apart from work, gym and home and completely isolated myself from everyone apart from my mother and sister - mainly because food is everywhere and I've run out of excuses about why I can't eat and my friends clocked on to it years ago. I've spent at least 3 to 4 years in complete denial as people pointed out that I'm slowly killing myself. In 2009 the damage was becoming apparent - my iron was really low - in fact it was non existent as I had used up all my reserves (ferritin) and regularly having IV iron treatment, by 2010 my body temperature had dropped and regularly sits at 34 degrees and about 18 months ago my menstrual cycle stopped and I'm constantly exhausted.
I was in denial for years and every January I would convince my family that this was the year I would sort myself out. But I haven't been able to do it. I know I have a problem and I know I can't fix it on my own and this week I finally worked up the courage to speak to my doctor about it and how I just can't seem to fix it. He wasn't at all surprised and was really supportive. He said we have a long journey in front of us. We are starting by keeping the treatment inhouse starting with counselling and CBT with the option for specialist secondary treatments if that’s not successful. I've just finished all the questionnaires and while I feel relief at finally admitting I have a problem for the first time the words anorexia have really thrown me. I'm really nervous and don't know what to expect and totally daunted by what I read about CBT - years of beating myself down makes the idea of turning that around seem almost impossible.
But I really want to get my life back - all my friends constantly remind me that when I was overweight I was so happy and the life and sole of every party, my mum got out the photobook which show me smiling and genuinely happy when I was overweight compared with since this all began - where I haven't smiled in a single picture. I want to get that happiness back, get my health back and not react like an apple is about to poison me!
I guess this is my moment and chance to finally break free.
Oh man I am so saddened to read your post. I had the SAME feelings as you and did the same things youre doing at one point. And I am here for you to talk just PM me. Angela
It is never too late to turn things around and reclaim the happy, healthy, fun life you had! Don't let your disorder control you. It is something people have - a disorder - it isn't something people ARE. You can overcome it.
If you were able to exist without it before, surely you can once again. It will just take a lot of hard work on your part, a lot of blocking out the negativity, and a lot of keeping your end goal, to enjoy life once again, in mind.
Best of luck. You will overcome it - now that you acknowledge you have a problem things can start to turn around. Be well!!
You know, they always say the first step is admitting you have a problem. After reading your post, I think that was probably the most difficult step. Even though I don't know you, after reading your post, I'm proud of the fact that you spoke to your doctor to get some help instead of letting it completely consume you. I wish you the very best of luck!
What a brave individual you are. First, I am so proud of you for loving yourself enough to seek professional help. And I am very proud of your doctor for supporting you and being honest enough to tell you it will be a journey. Now that you have made these huge steps, trust. Trust that your medical professional will support you further in finding the balance you so badly have been searching for. Trust your loved ones back and lean on them. I too suffered from an eating disorder while in college. Our school nurse fortunately recognized the signs and sought me out. She, basically, saved me from myself. Though I have struggled with my weight most of my life before and after her, I have never forgotten her seeking me out.
Like you, I have realized this is a lifestyle change. That doesn't mean I don't falter at times. But I have seen the dark side. And I don't want to go back. So I push on.